heather has talked me into keeping the shoes i bought this weekend. she had a moment of clarity in shoe pavilion, i had mine in marshalls. that's why i get to have two pairs, the marked down pricing. i can also attribute it to "in her shoes" the adorable movie i watched every night last week where toni collette was so not fat. she says "when i feel bad i like to treat myself. clothes never look good, food just makes me fatter...shoes always fit". she's so right. and the shoes in the movie were so gorgeous. i pine for style like that.
it is, of course, completely useless to have style in maine. new running shoes, or some hiking boots, would make alot more sense. and i'm trying to listen to that practicality. the practicality that says i don't need pink leather buckle strapped three inch heels. of course i don't need them. i can't even think where i'd where them. but damn do they make me feel fabulous.
i never used to buy shoes like that because someone might have noticed me, even if just my feet, and i wasn't the kind of girl who aspired to be noticed. wouldn't want to ruin my unblemished streak of invisibility perfected over four years of highschool. and i wasn't even that fat. it wasn't about being fat. it was about feeling flawed no matter what the flaw really was. even if i'd been 20 pounds lighter i still wouldn't have dressed with any sense of feeling beautiful.
writing that makes me hear warning bells. i know that it's not clothes or pounds or anything else that makes you beautiful. but it does reflect our choices and how we view ourselves. through four years of college i wore faded ani difranco t-shirts and a pair of old navy jeans practically every day. a look that screamed newly out dyke who doesn't bow to the patriarchy. my freshman roommate was straight, but on an all women's campus she spent her days in sweatpants. she used to moan, when she wore proper clothes that didn't have cords at the waist, that every one said how nice she looked and how she must look like shit all the rest of the time. well, yeah. she had an astonishingly full wardrobe but she chose the sweatpants and the hoodies because she was comfortable. i was never comfortable. if i'd worn sweatpants i'd be thinking that everyone else is thinking "she never exercises why does she need sweatpants?". one could say that i was a little paranoid.
but now, fuck that. i love getting dressed and feeling beautiful and being noticed. i use my body and my clothes to accentuate eachother, instead of canceling eachother out. i feel great, even if i still do want to lose a few more pounds. this new world view while fun, doesn't really get me anywhere with my worries about the budget or finding space on the shoe rack. the overall idea ofcourse is to feel fabulous with or without spending money. but then this afternoon the powers that be announced 1st quarter incentives and it's got to be a sign. so i'm keeping two pairs of shoes and one bag, and all the receipts for when i return to reality next week.