half a mile

i bought a pedometer last night. i tried to buy gloves, but they don't stock gloves in march. they stock swimsuits in march. i'm sure as hell not buying a swimsuit so i got the pedometer. for 3 bucks i can see how far i walk in a day. today i have walked half a mile. which is fairly innacurate since i lost it in my car at 10 and only now found it at 11:45. maybe tomorrow i'll wear it all day and see what i really clock in a day. i also want to see how far i run in the mornings and walk at lunch time.

i got neither of those extra walks in today because it is snowing, and my nether end is sore enough not to risk another tumble. unrelated, my shoulder is killing me. it's some kind of stress triggered nerve thing. i keep meaning to call the chiropractor but it always seems less urgent when i'm not in pain. i'm secretly kind of thrilled to get to go to the chiropractor. i've always wanted to go. i guess i view them as glorified massage therapists and the idea of massage makes me all drooly. it's a bit silly that i have a bonafide referral and i'm slacking in making the appointment. i want to go but i don't want to have to spend the money. it's ridiculous.

from the department of pretending i'm on a diet, i ate a donut this morning. i wasn't hungry and it wasn't even good. it makes me so mad when i do things like that, about 5 seconds after i do it. the worst part is i ate it while driving between branches so no one would see. i've never really thought about those behaviors but i need to and then i need to stop doing it. it's not like anyone believes that i don't eat junk. i didn't get this ass from carrot sticks and dressingless salads. no one is fooled. the worst part is i do it most with the boyfriend. he would never imagine that i would wait for him to leave so i could eat the left over pizza, after we've had breakfast together. he supports the weightloss (i have gained about 15 pounds since we started dating) but he thinks i'm fine the way i am too. i just want to be more honest. i know i should start a food journal. sometimes though i think i beat myself up so much about what i eat that i'm afraid what would happen if i had it written down.

i have to admit i'm more fragile now than i have ever been and i need to be careful. i want to try to add exercise and eat better foods, i want to lose weight and be stronger. i have to do all this without causing myself a breakdown or needing to be medicated. i'd like to avoid therapy too, but only if i can cut out the damn secret snacking.