"Are you going to torture me, or just bore me to death?"

i just made up some ingredient cards for my products. and i spaced walnuts on the banana muffins. whoops! guess they'll be nutless. c'est la vie. i could print them again but i'm trying not to nervous myself out of all competence. besides, nuts or no nuts, who cares. it's an experiment and it's supposed to be something i enjoy so i'm keeping it light. which is a hell of a lot of work. it's very "this is me breathing", if you know what i mean.

ironically, as i was reading the recipe to make up the cards i almost decided to try something new. i've always made this recipe in a big square pan but the recipe calls for lined muffin tins and gee don't they look cute! clearly i'm not evolving here. i'm asking for trouble thinking about shaking things up at this stage. silly silly silly.

dyan reminded me of a bunch of things i haven't thought about in a long while. so many feelings that i used to feel all the damn time, like the getting my money's worth at the soda fountain. it was a feeling that made me sad at the time, thinking that this is the sum of my life...worrying about a carbonated beverage. looking back on it now it's a punch to the gut. there are so many bits and pieces that go into changing your life. innumerable really. and of course that's what this is about. i keep finding myself reading blogs where people want to lose weight but don't want to change anything about their life. they want to eat at mcdonalds and take the elevator and aren't honestly willing to sacrifice anything and it's frustrating to read.

but it's more frustrating to live. i think of how hard it was for me at that stage and i cringe. the stage where you tell yourself you're trying to lose weight but you aren't really trying at all. you just say this to yourself so you can get through the day without crying too much. everybody goes through that right? the totally desperate but not quite ready to change stage. that has to be the worst of the process, the pre-beginning stage. what do they say about insanity? it's doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.

i'm happy to be at the place where i can recognize the difference between effort and fooling myself. and i'm especially happy not to be at a place where i spend my whole day passing moral judgement on my choices at subway. i'm glad that i wrote down those feelings. it was a very important part of the process, the being honest with yourself part. right now, as i go through every day running and having salad because it's summer and it's yummy and not because i'm punishing myself, i would not remember feeling so lost if i didn't write it all down. i'm also glad i was able to get beyond it, it seems like a rare gift.