10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

"They had this look in their eyes — totally cold. Animal. I think they were Young Republicans."

in blog business: comments, feel free to comment or not. people i've lived with and have known since 4th grade read this site and never ever comment. some who's asses i've fondled for years stop by several times a day but don't often leave a note. i still love them, and their asses. so lurk away, it's no problem. i'll still love your asses too, just for stopping by. furthermore, i'm a poohy commenter myself. my gut reactions to things are almost always inappropriate for this forum so i tend to keep them to myself. it's either that or typing that stupid j/k next to everything i write. if ever there was a foe to wit.

man, writing that sort of stuff makes me feel like an idiot. actually, everything i write makes me feel like an idiot. you have to have a very high idiot thresh hold to write on the internet about your pants falling down. and telling strangers all over the globe how many easter bunnies you ate this year. three damn it, or maybe four. and i still have one with my dry goods. navy beans, wheat pasta, bunny, basmati rice. can i say a little more about my bunny problem? i don't even want it anymore. i only wanted it when the man was telling us it was bunny eating time. i am a cog in the commercial holiday candy machine. i'm genuinely angry that i let myself get caught up in the "but they're only out at easter!" thing. it's not like i can't get chocolate whenever i want, and with way less gnawing required. so i'm an idiot and apparently i like to gnaw, welcome to my site!

in fat business: i think the dolldrums of this process have finally gotten to me. i'm losing my perspective on this as a lifelong thing. it's like i know i have to do it all forever and i'd really like a vacation. which i can never have because if i could eat and emote about it like a "normal" person, i wouldn't be here. there's not a day that i don't do a critical assessment on all of my choices, and i can't remember a day that i haven't. even when i spent my weekends eating friday night's pizza for every meal, i remember thinking "this is a bad choice", not that it stopped me. i can't turn off the emotional turmoil that surrounds my decisions on what to eat, when to exercise, what i'm wearing. i'll never be able to do that. it's a part of me that i can't deny no matter how skinny or fat i end up.

does it make me who i am? if you mean paranoid and cranky, yes. whether it's a product of my condition or a catalyst, i'm not sure. cases could be made for either. regardless, i'm tired of it. being in this "slump" or whatever it is, is not helping me beat back the criticisms. i'm wondering, now that i've named this "period" a "slump", if it might not help me face things in a new light. be all slumpy, embrace the slump, and then get over it. you have to see the need for change before you can enact it right? god i hope so. i'm ready to get changey.


Jennette Fulda said...

You have seemed sort of slumpy lately. I was blaming it on the cold Maine winter though. Maybe now that spring is springing you can get bouncy and straighten up again.

Debbi said...

There is a case to be made for seeing the need to change before change can happen. But there's also a case to be made for accepting what is, which then leaves one open to change. I don't claim to understand it. But accepting how things are does help me get ready to do something different.

Sometimes. Heh.

Amy said...

i'd love to be bouncing, i really would.

i i eee said...

A vacation would be nice.

Do remember that TV show, "Out of This World?" It had that theme song, "would you like to swing on a star..." I wish I had that girl's super power of stopping time and putting everything on pause. That would be nice to take a vacay with. Oh yes.

Beth Currie said...

Oh, yeah, a vacation. I'd love to have, say, 4 weeks a year where I could eat exactly whatever the hell I wanted without putting on any weight. That would be dreamy.

A said...

I feel your slump pain. It is hard to break out of that rut sometimes. Maybe you need to buy yourself a motivation/exercise thing. Like a new pair of running shoes or a new iPod?

Screw it I'm mailing you a chocolate easter bunny ;) ha!

MayQueen said...

Like you, my dear, most of my gut reaction comments are not apropos of what has been writtten (but most of the time I write them anyway).

Pas de slumps! Or "No more slumps!" en Francais if I knew how to say that. Maybe the good weather will help.

Amy said...

dude, no way, i'll mail you mine.

but i understand your sarah comments, i don't think other folks would get mine. not in my experience anyway. i'm a comment pariah.