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i kind of can't believe it, a pound lost. we'll see if i keep it off. i had a nice surprise yesterday with a pair of pants. i bought them last april to wear to meet the boyfriends parents and they fit perfectly. i've been wearing them most of the summer and the winter and they had been getting progressively tighter. the last time i wore them (3 or 4 weeks ago) i thought the button was going to fly off and take someone's eye out (thought did not discourage me from wearing them as all else was dirty, sad). i wore them yesterday and at no point did i have to suck in to button them. they didn't cut me in two. they're still snug, but so much more wearable. i'm sure i've stretched them well past their original size so i can't really see how much skinnier i was in april by wearing them. however, i bought a second pair in the gap clearance sale for 5 bucks* and i haven't worn them yet so they aren't stretched out. if i get down a few more pounds i'm going to try them again and see how they fit.

it would be nice to get back to my pre-grieving weight. i let myself make really bad choices in the name of grief and sorrow. no amount of chocolate and coke and pizza for dinner will make your mom come back to life. it only makes you fat and even more sad and then you can't walk up a flight of stairs without wheezing. i was only about 30 pounds overweight pre-grief. my highest was more like 50 and a loss like that would still only put me at the top of the range for my height. i keep thinking how long it's going to take to get back down and it discourages me until i remember i'm either going down or up and aslong as i keep moving down it's progress. it doesn't matter how long it takes because i'll still be worth it.

i should tattoo that last sentence to my forehead so i won't do dumbshit like impulse buying a nearly dead milkyway bar as evidenced yesterday. that was particularly stupid because a) milkyway's are not my favorite b) i had chocolate in my drawer already (i've made a game of resisting it, i mark a star on the calendar for every day i don't eat it if i get enough stars in a row i get some kind of prize like a box of rice-a-roni or a jet ski, i haven't decided) and c) because i had a tupperware full of grapes and strawberries that taste infinitely better than stale chocolate. maybe i shouldn't be allowed cash during the day...


*i carry forth my mother's torch for buying things i don't need only because they're cheap. and also they made my butt look good.