I've been doing a lot of new age style self help work lately. that sounds crazy and it probably is but I've been feeling like I just spend too much time angry and I'm getting older and I just don't want to go on like that. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my family and how i grew up and why i hold on to things i should be able to let go of. I haven't gotten it all figured out yet, but I think it's important to look for answers before I'm turning 51 and I still have so many feelings that don't take me forward.
The bulk of my triggers come from family and real or perceived slights. Most of this is matt's family because i keep a lot of distance from my family. I can't keep much distance from matt's family so I have to find a way to deal with it in a more positive way. I've been thinking and talking to my sister about our childhood and it's helping me understand more about myself than i've ever really tried before. I've always been hard to get to know, I keep up a lot of walls. A lot of that is protecting myself from my family.
My parents weren't horribly abusive but they weren't very good either. I can't remember a time when I didn't make my own lunch for school or do my own laundry. Before first grade I had to use chairs to reach the buttons. Matt told me his mom taught him how to do laundry when he went to college. that is what a normal family does. A normal, attentive mother. A normal mother doesn't leave her kids sitting outside of school until it's dark and not notice when their six year old isn't at the dinner table.
My sister says she couldn't ever forget her kids. I don't know how anyone could. it's not like she did drugs, she just wasn't that interested in caring for us. and neither was my dad. They had kids because that's what you were supposed to do. we had food and clothes, they paid for my college at least what the scholarship didn't cover, but no attention. not ever.
So I guess my parents raised me to be very independent with their negligence. independent and hesitant to trust because who can you rely on if you can't count on your parents. I'm trying to understand this and realize that it's not always going to be like that. I can trust matt. Always. that's the thing i'm basing all my personal growth on. I can trust him which means I can work on other things and try to let some other people in and stop feeling like i have to bear every burden on my own. I'm working on it.