"Of course it blows, it's a horn."

The other day I went out to buy some socks. I want to start the story there because I want the innocence of the errand to have center stage for about eight seconds. So, I was shopping for socks and I bought the socks and I took the socks to the car and we started to drive home, me and my socks. It was then that a very old man and his wife started to drive into my car. I beeped at them. It was intended to be a short, polite, you’re trying to kill us beep. The intention was there, I fully intended to beep briefly. Only the car didn’t so much agree and the beeping wouldn’t stop. Which was really fun when I drove by the old folks shaking their fists at me.

If they teach you what to do when your horn won’t stop horning in driver’s ed I completely forgot. I tried hitting it, you know, vigorously and at the stop light I tried turning the car off. Twice. And then I merged on to the highway. Probably I could have pulled over and been a spectacle but why do that when you can be a spectacle all over town…so I drove home. I didn’t have any tools or, like, a clue so I just kept driving.

The highway wasn’t so bad, the speed and the noise seemed to help with the beeping. It was the back roads filled with staring pedestrians and dog walkers that were the most fun. I’m not sure my flailing and the “it’s not me, I swear” face I was making convinced anyone that I wasn’t crazy. Two giant suv’s pulled over in a hurry like I was an ambulance and one child cried. No, not really but I think crying children add a level of drama, very Lord of the Rings.

So, the whole time I was driving home I was on the phone with Matt discussing various ways to make the noise stop. Pull the fuse, disconnect the battery, sledgehammer. I thought about warning my dad with a phone call but that would ruin the heart arythmia causing surprise when I pulled up with a blaring horn (like I got a bagpiper stuck in my grill: see tweet). I got home to my thank god it’s empty neighborhood and opened the hood. And you know, way louder when you’re out of the car with the hood up.

It’s really hard to concentrate with a noise like that but we finally got the batter disconnected and in the quiet pulled the fuse and we never had to use the sledgehammer. And I tried so hard to be invisible in my dad’s neighborhood. Fail.