I had to hide from a gay man in Target today. I've been thinking lately that my life is really boring and that nothing interesting happens to me anymore but that's not actually true. The true truth is that I've been so stressed out that I haven't been able to think and write and tell my stories. And then you find yourself ducking behind displays of discount lingerie and you think that life can't go on if you don't find a way to blog this. It was pure instinct to hide in the lingerie section, I figured of all the places in Target mr. scary gay man wouldn't visit, number one would be the discount panty aisle. In retrospect I shouldn't have been so afraid of anyone driving a yellow volkswagen beetle. The thing is that that parking space was mine. MINE. And it was a little unnecessary to park behind me and gesture like that. All I could think was "I hope Fried Green Tomatoes isn't his favorite movie". I guess he was more of a Steel Magnolias kind of guy because he didn't trash my car.
I ended up sitting with the doors locked pretending to look for something in my purse like a big sissy waiting for him to give up and park somewhere else and then ran like hell when he was gone. BECAUSE I AM A LOSER. And then I called my sister because who do you call when you're hiding out from a bitch slapping, hair pulling showdown in Target? What's the protocol for a situation like that? What would that handy yellow survival book say under parking lot scuffles? I bet it says hide in the panties, I'm sure of it. Anyway I didn't go to Target for underthings so I had to venture out to greeting cards eventually and did in fact spend the whole time peeking around corners just in case. I felt very exposed at the register, it was painful. Why is it in Target that there are five cars outside and yet the lines are fifty people long. Is that some kind of clown car Target shopping algebra equation that defies the laws of physics? It was very tense for me.
My whole shopping day was ruined with the tension. I walked through the gap and I kept thinking it was sort of a shame that we didn't end up having a fight in the parking lot and then becoming friends and then we could go shopping together. Probably that only happens in movies. In real life you get run over by a yellow volkswagen or maybe he says something hurtful about your shoes. It's been a very hard day.