I am in a very bad no good mood today. Aren't you glad you clicked? I'm at this job that I pretty much decided to quit this weekend so it's sort of emotionally trying. The wise thing to do is send out resumes like a freak until something happens and leave with paid employment in my near future. The cold hard truth is that it's easier to get a job when you have a job so I am trying very hard to be patient. I *want* to go home right now and just sell my plasma for food and see what happens. Matt and I concluded that we could live exactly as we are now by simply selling a cord of wood a month and I wouldn't have to be treated like dirt and make him miserable. Apparently that's a bargain for him so that's our safety umbrella in case I lose my shit sometime today.
The entire purpose of getting out of the debt was so I could live on my own terms. The purpose behind saving money on interest and not giving to the man, that is. I realized last week, after a petty battle over a few measly hours of pay (which I lost by the way), that my life will always be like that unless I change it. I have to change it now. The new regime and my current boss don't think I'm worth a 40 hour paycheck, so I'm moving on. It's sort of fascinating in an "oh my god this world sucks" sort of way. Money is such a trap. The more you make the more you spend and then the more you owe. You can't leave a job you hate because there are bills to pay and how will you pay for health insurance and retirement and so what if you hate it you'd better stay so when you're old and sick you won't have to live in a box by the river. Screw that.
I pretty much hate my life right now. Which seems extreme and yet, no, it's perfectly true. If my mother wasn't dead she'd probably disown me for still working here. She hated my job. It's not as though I didn't realize at the time that it sucks and that I'm worth more than working here and yadda yadda. I was young and I had to figure things out and I didn't know what I wanted to do and I felt the debt/safe job circle of hellfire thing I described previously. Now I still don't really know what I want to do but I'm passionate enough about not fucking being here that I feel like opening news doors and testing them out. I could work at Walmart and write about it and lead a more intellectually stimulating life. They'd probably have me arrested and that would be interesting writing too.
All the ire made for a very good kickboxing workout this weekend. The depression, however, made for eating half a bag of dove squares. As long as I fit all the new clothes I bought last week I don't care. I have great dreams of using my new wardrobe to help me get something new instead of keeping my head above water at the new main office. A much worthier pursuit. It's actually all for the best considering what we now know about the new folks. Their various reports and spying and silly rules, it's not a place I want to spend my time representing when I don't have to. I don't have children to feed or a mortgage to pay, I don't have to work for a company too cheap to give seniors free checking accounts. Oh, and the name tags.
I really hate the name tags. I'm standing behind a big ass sign with my name on it, why do I need a name tag? They're probably bugged with GPS. Which reminds me of something I read while bouncing between the self-help and career sections of Borders this weekend that was very affirming: "if you're still wearing a name tag at thirty you've chosen the wrong career path". They can take their cheap and mean business practices and shiny new name tags and shove them up their tightly clenched sphincters.