*

10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Monday, April 30, 2007

"i don't see this being settled by logic"

i've spent my entire weekend thinking about a pair of shoes. because i am full of hormones. it had been driving me crazy until about 8 seconds ago when i realized that dwelling on the shoes has in fact given me the reprieve from the 24 fat-a-thon in my head. yay for me. i guess. so these shoes, maybe disclosure will help me. remember when i had that shoe thing, because my favorite ones were leaking (which i'm wearing today even though it's raining because i cannot learn) (and also i'm already embarrassed about the number of "because's" in this post and soon i'll be embarrassed about the parentheses). remember that, when i posted all those shoes. well, that weekend i hit up macy's clearance rack and there were these cute naturalizers (because i'm 200 years old) (double whammy there) and there were about 40 bucks and i tried them on and they're comfy and even though i liked them i talked myself out of them. i'm still trying to work the "remember you're broke" thing so one day i won't be. so i walked away.

and then saturday night we bought a washing machine. which should have been an excellent reason for feeling broke, as it was completely true, but we stopped in the shoe department. i like to wander through even if i'm not out to purchase. like methadone for shoppers. and they were still there, a tiny bit cheaper but not much. and i tried them on again while matt sat in a chair gnawing at his wrists. and then i put them back, again. that was saturday night. all day sunday i thought about getting in the car and seeing if they were still there. i even rationalized the trip by saying i had to go to target and trade in some deodorant (why must they use those crazy names. how am i supposed to remember if it's a botanical garden or an ocean breeze i want my sweat to smell like, i don't know.). all that driving just to spend money on something that might not be there just didn't seem healthy, so i threw some baked beans in the oven so i couldn't leave the house. but i'm still thinking about them. i even just looked them up on zappos where they are 70 dollars. can you feel my pulse racing through the screen? anyone want to take odds on whether i go to bangor tonight and come back tomorrow to order those shoes through zappos when they aren't there?

it was a very long, very hormonal weekend that is clearly stretching in to monday. besides the great shoe debacle, i had another shopping moment that is a bit more relevant. i always comb through the clearance rack at the gap, just in case there's something i can't live without. there hasn't been much because all the good stuff seems to be in a 16 or a 14. this was painfully ironic until i realised that stuff is there because i'm not buying it. there just aren't that many people my size with the funds and inclination to shop at the gap, and now i'm not that size anymore so the clothes are still there.

it's kind of fascinating what a small world i live in right now. and more competitive because clearly 12 is a much more average size around here. where in NH it's not, it's still a big size in more urban areas. matt is always telling me that for a "maine" girl, i'm downright skinny. this is always weird because a. i don't want to have to compare myself to the morbidly obese to boost my self esteem, and b. he's right. pretty much 99 out of 100 times, i'm not the fattest person around. in reality i probably never was, but that's how you feel when you live under that particular shroud. it's a whole new world now that i have an honest perception of my body. and yet, i've been all contemplative about my new plan.

the new plan, which i'm italicizing for lack or a more interesting title, is pretty much like this. i'm going to try really hard to stop thinking like someone who has lost about 25 pounds. thinking about how far i've come only enables me to be less strict in the here and now. i need to start considering that part of the job done. i got back to my pre-mourning weight and my college clothing size, the two biggest reasons i had for taking the reigns on my health. and now, instead of the rest being gravy...the rest is going to be meat? that metaphor sucks, but do you see where i'm going with this? this here is my new starting point, 173 pounds. since i am full of hormones just now, i'm not going to make any more broad announcements until things settle. and then i'll work out my plan to attack the first 10 pounds. i'm not setting my sights any further afield than 10 pounds.

if nothing else there'll be a shoe report tomorrow. if i survive the afternoon.

Friday, April 27, 2007

with a side helping of crazy

it's been a big day, first die fatty die and now dinner invitations from the mentally ill. remember that crazy dude from a while ago that asked me if i had lost weight and boy did i look great! he just asked me out. the last time i talked to him he asked if i was married. and i said no because i'm not. but alas i am not single. it was weird because he's weird but it's upsetting because even though he's crazy and out of work and probably homeless, i wasn't datable until i lost some weight. uh huh...

and it was all exclamation pointy! oooooh.

i just deleted my first totally random hate comment. wow, i'm excited. i thought i'd have nothing to talk about today. it was all caps, linked to a profile that doesn't exist, and the grammar...it was poor. (sob) i could weep at this milestone, it's like an afterschool special. you know you've arrived when people you don't know hate you for existing.

i always sort of admired the ladies of fatty mcblog for leaving those icky nasty comments up. they believed that they weren't there to be censors and it must have been a hard decision to leave that nonsense up. anyone who uses the english language would be sick just seeing the execution. the meaning however is even more disgusting. if you ever read the mcblog comments you know how bad it can get, mud slinging of the worst kind. any anonymous fool with fingers and a keyboard thinks they know best, and are happy to tell you how much you suck.

hate speech stinks and i'll remove every bit of it that pops up here. i don't keep this site so people can stop by and read hurtful things. this is a blog, not a democracy. so i'll be taking advantage of the one place where i'm allowed to play god and i will be deleting with a flourish and a song in my heart. just so y'all know.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

low tide and fishing boats

"Does the word "duh" mean anything to you?"

172 pounds and probably still slumpy. if i read back i'm sure i'd find myself feeling like this pretty often. something happens, like my recent size 12 revelation, and i get complacent. right now, i'm pretty darn happy with my body. i feel smokin' lately. it's harder to remember that i don't want to settle for this, even though it's not a bad place to be. i've had a lot of ideas lately and i think they're all great. automating lunch and breakfast really works for me, there's no work. i do my prep work on the weekends, i keep cereal and milk at work, i always have the same pre-approved snacks at work. that's the big thing i'm having a problem with, there is no problem.

on the outside looking in i'm doing all the right things and i'm happy and there aren't very many screw ups. all things considered. which makes deciding what to do next sort of difficult. so i'm not going to decide, not for a few more days. today is thursday. i'm going to force myself to stop thinking about dieting until atleast monday. i might pop in tomorrow if only to log what ridiculous things i'm eating. i think i'm making some lush portobella pasta tonight. i have one more mushroom cap to use and i want to make the most of it. i'm hungry just thinking about it.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

"They had this look in their eyes — totally cold. Animal. I think they were Young Republicans."

in blog business: comments, feel free to comment or not. people i've lived with and have known since 4th grade read this site and never ever comment. some who's asses i've fondled for years stop by several times a day but don't often leave a note. i still love them, and their asses. so lurk away, it's no problem. i'll still love your asses too, just for stopping by. furthermore, i'm a poohy commenter myself. my gut reactions to things are almost always inappropriate for this forum so i tend to keep them to myself. it's either that or typing that stupid j/k next to everything i write. if ever there was a foe to wit.

man, writing that sort of stuff makes me feel like an idiot. actually, everything i write makes me feel like an idiot. you have to have a very high idiot thresh hold to write on the internet about your pants falling down. and telling strangers all over the globe how many easter bunnies you ate this year. three damn it, or maybe four. and i still have one with my dry goods. navy beans, wheat pasta, bunny, basmati rice. can i say a little more about my bunny problem? i don't even want it anymore. i only wanted it when the man was telling us it was bunny eating time. i am a cog in the commercial holiday candy machine. i'm genuinely angry that i let myself get caught up in the "but they're only out at easter!" thing. it's not like i can't get chocolate whenever i want, and with way less gnawing required. so i'm an idiot and apparently i like to gnaw, welcome to my site!

in fat business: i think the dolldrums of this process have finally gotten to me. i'm losing my perspective on this as a lifelong thing. it's like i know i have to do it all forever and i'd really like a vacation. which i can never have because if i could eat and emote about it like a "normal" person, i wouldn't be here. there's not a day that i don't do a critical assessment on all of my choices, and i can't remember a day that i haven't. even when i spent my weekends eating friday night's pizza for every meal, i remember thinking "this is a bad choice", not that it stopped me. i can't turn off the emotional turmoil that surrounds my decisions on what to eat, when to exercise, what i'm wearing. i'll never be able to do that. it's a part of me that i can't deny no matter how skinny or fat i end up.

does it make me who i am? if you mean paranoid and cranky, yes. whether it's a product of my condition or a catalyst, i'm not sure. cases could be made for either. regardless, i'm tired of it. being in this "slump" or whatever it is, is not helping me beat back the criticisms. i'm wondering, now that i've named this "period" a "slump", if it might not help me face things in a new light. be all slumpy, embrace the slump, and then get over it. you have to see the need for change before you can enact it right? god i hope so. i'm ready to get changey.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

"serve it on a shovel or serve it on a spork"

i just sparked my calories for today: 928. i put every thing on there from the candy i just ate to two cups of tea in case i have one this afternoon. and then i put in yesterday's food, with all three olive garden breadsticks and i was still within range. and i almost felt better.

and then i remembered that i haven't touched spark in months. not since i was 185 pounds. so i fixed that and now i have a new calorie range. but breadstick day is still only 11 calories over and since matt actually stole half of one that i counted as whole, i think i'm all set there.

what does all this mean, it's really not my diet. i had thought it wasn't and then i thought well it must be. but it's not. if anything i need to add something. and with their handy dandy reports i know that my protein consumption is not as bad as i thought, and fiber could use some improvement.

all that really makes me happy and i'm pretty glad that i looked it all up. i'm going to try really hard to remember that i like sparkpeople and that i do get something out of tracking my calories. remind me of that when i give it up next week.

"X and Y just will not share and will not get along"

173.5. or so says i, since i don't have a decimal scale. it's part of my honesty now! program. the scale bopped somewhere between the 3 and the 4 this morning and to say there wasn't a slight gain would not be very honest. because there was cake last night. and olive garden bread sticks and spaghetti. i would be lying if i said a night of eating like that wouldn't have consequences.

i know i can make up for it this week. i can skip a snack and take an extra walk, but the best i can hope is that i'll be back to 171 in time for the next birthday dinner out this weekend. the score is that right now i'm doing just enough to maintain. i know i said it was easy a bit ago and i've been thinking i was pretty stupid to have put that in writing. the fact that i don't dwell on is that i still think it is easy. i know exactly what i have to do every day to lose and maintain to the lower 170's. i want to tell myself it's hard and that it's ok that i have been writing the same posts about the low 170's for a very long time. when it's not ok and there is no excuse.

bear with me as i talk about march some more. i thought march was the end of bad. i thought i would show april who was boss. you know what the date is today, april 24th. i'm running out of time to kick some ass in april. march was unpleasant, april is downright embarrassing. i refuse to drag may into it because it'll be a never ending calendar conundrum, but something has to give soon. i need to accept the fact that i'm not working very hard to make good things happen for me.

on the one hand, i'm pretty proud of the work i've been putting into my diet. i'm planning and preparing healthier foods, and eating more vegetables and fruit than i have in a long time. those are all good things. but i'm not exercising enough and a few more minutes walking every morning isn't enough to go from maintaining to losing. there needs to be more sweat in my life. which makes me think i need to take a more serious look at my finances in order to purchase a treadmill, sooner rather than later. it was something i wanted to do in the future, when i had a little more money. honestly though, i don't know how much longer i can take feeling like a failure. i think it's worth it to give it a try. and since they spotted the first mountain lions near the house, running outside is even less an option. i can't out run the lazy sun bathing cat i live with, i don't stand a chance with the wild ones.

Monday, April 23, 2007

"Q and R and S and T are wearing clothes much too tight"

i went and bought more jeans this weekend. more size 12's. and some capris. which i haven't come to terms with completely but it was summer this weekend and i have to move into the 20th century sometime. bare naked ankles! anyway, the cool thing about these 12's is that they fit. the ones i bought months ago, they still don't fit. i mean, they button. so it could be worse, but they're still not on the town jeans. the new ones though, they must be a sturdier fabric. they really stand up to the strain of my ass. it's heroic really. they're what i imagine jeans made of whalebone would be like. firm yet flattering. maybe it's a fatgirl thing but i can never get enough of whalebone jokes. got corset? ha.

i am, as ever, excited about my weekend purchases. with all my gift cards the two pairs of jeans only cost 14 dollars. so it doesn't go completely against my no new clothes policy. there's a cheap clause in there, for drastic sale situations. i ended up with some shoes too, another gift card, and a ton of food at trader joes. some almond cookies i really didn't need, and a ton of vegetables. some heavenly plums and some meyer lemons i chose in a fit of martha stewart. i'm not sure what i'm going to do with those...i'll have to check out her mag. i know for sure there's a meyer lemon cake in january. there's absolutely nothing on allrecipes. i bet they'd make some killer lemonade if nothing else, that's probably the low cal recipe of choice but lemon cake...that's hard to resist. i'm feeling more every day like i need a circle of old ladies to feed cake to. i should really take up bridge. or mah jong.

i don't really want to talk about it, but the scale returned to 173 this morning. which is just foolishness. or it would be if i wasn't going to mention the truly adorable employees at wendy's in bangor. we stopped friday night because my mood was pretty foul and also we were hungry and didn't have much time. but these guys, they were cute and nice and seemed to genuinely like working at wendy's. it was all boys and there were some hip looking ones and some dork looking ones (which might be the same thing for all i know about modern teen culture) and they were planning a get together between customers. we were touched. and then the next morning the dunkin' donuts guy gave us a baker's dozen because one of the jelly's was small. it was a fastfood karma weekend. maybe my scale wasn't fooled after all.

Friday, April 20, 2007

"I'm required to educate every juvenile who is not in jail where she belongs."

i've got nada today. it's beautiful out and i can't think of anything more pressing than the fact that it's not raining. and cars are piling in to town. and people with sun scared legs in shorts are asking what time the pizza place opens? hehehe, june. i'm not sure which i like better, that one or where's the starbucks? bangor! they're both very fulfilling the first 3000 times. you've got to wonder about people who go on vacation to live exactly the same as at home, only with different scenery.

i personally can't wait to see what happens with the lobster. they're up over 10 dollars a pound for the fishermen. i wonder what the retail will be. something in gold dubloons probably. that's a hell of a lot for a water logged cockroach, but then i'm not a tourist with more money than sense. sadly.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

sight words you are in the wrong building!

all that ranting makes a girl hungry. i'm glad i got it off my chest, and not by beating the party in question. there's nothing i can do about it. i am angry, i told my boss i was angry and she understands. i don't know if anything will change, but atleast she knows how i feel about it. should something further occur, i've said my piece.

i need to chill because it's actually been a really good day. my sister found that cingular reward card that i lost and wore the hair shirt over for weeks and miraculously it's not expired. my credit score went up again when i thought for sure it would go down.* and i ate two brownies yesterday and i still weighed 171 this morning. so either i have good karma today or they weren't fast acting brownies. either way, there's no reason i shouldn't be pleased with today and it's good to learn to let go. although i should probably make an effort to keep my blood sugar up so i don't snap and lose my shit all over again. good thing i brought that extra brownie...



*it's a huge ass bill, which on discover is good because it earns me cash for gap jeans but is bad because i then have to pay it.

I N G, anyone lose an ing?

if you have children and you're reading this, don't take it the wrong way. i don't mean to criticize all working parents, but some of them are jerks. today one of my co-workers said that she would sue our employer if she were not allowed to leave early to collect her child from daycare. uh huh. because apparently it's their fault that she accepted the terms of her employment and then had a child. most of the time it doesn't bother me that things pop up for her. i don't have any babies but i know how upsetting it would be if yours was sick. but sick is different from every day. when your plans for every day life with a baby put out your colleagues and employer out, it's your problem.

i'm writing this so i won't go insane. see, i wanted to head out a little early tomorrow to drive the five hours home but i can't because she has to leave, to get her baby. i haven't left early on a friday all year, because every friday she has to leave. and it's starting to get really old. if it's a friday and i don't feel well i don't call out sick because it would be a problem for her. it never really bothered me before because i assumed she appreciated it. but she doesn't, she takes it for granted. and now i am pissed off.

i don't get paid more for being reliable. i'm expected not to have overtime when in fact i am required to work it. she's used more sick days than my boss and i combined only to find out her laid off husband just wanted her home so he wouldn't have to deal with the baby. granted, what i had wanted was to leave early too, which is not strictly allowed if unplanned...but then i don't do it every week. and i certainly wouldn't purposely inconvenience someone.

i don't know what to do with my rage because certainly her priority has to be her child and that's ok. why does my priority have to be her child too. if her job doesn't fit her schedule, she needs a new job. it's not fair that people with children can leave unexpectedly, have days off to accommodate school holidays, and be unreliable strictly because they have children. how i phrased it to matt, we should all have to suffer equally or quit if we don't like it. we sure as hell can't sue just because we might be inconvenienced or because we have to make hard choices. it's not fair and i am tired of it.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

L and M and N and P won't start till O arrives

as per why you should never eat the crunchy edge of a brownie after you give the rest of it to your boyfriend, you will be genuinely pissed that he accepted it. clearly it is no one's fault but his that you don't have enough brownie and you might never be able to forgive him. ever.

it's probably also a good reminder that if you've been saying no to keep on chugging with that because yes can be very confusing.

riding alpacas and wearing wax mustaches

down another pound today. ye olde 171. i had written this thing about brownies and jobs and well, i didn't read the fine print and i'm missing some of the required skills. thus, no applying. so i'm bringing 3/4 of my brownie over to matt. i figure i deserve atleast the crunchy edge because i was all ready to type those resumes, per the deal i made with myself. i suppose i could go out and buy all the software they want proficiency in on the off chance they ever call me. but since they've never once called me before on the 50 resumes i've sent the last 4 years, i'm not going to waste my time. things happen fast, don't they? whoosh.

so what else is going on. happy to be back at 171, always a good crowd. heh. it's just like every other time, i work all week to get here and this weekend we have a birthday party with my family. it's not the party that will be the problem, it's the traveling and eating on the road. and the coldstone creamery a block from my dad's house. it's going to have to be a will power weekend. i have a salad pre-packed for every day this week, maybe i'll make some for the weekend too. we always intend to bring a cooler to stock up at trader joe's anyway, this could be the start of a very good habit.

it's worth the trouble if i can start next week where i leave this one. i'm pretty much convinced that if i can hold 171 for a week i'll be on my way somewhere. it's been a month and a half of ups and downs since my last visit to the doctor, when i weighed 170 on my home scale. that's sort of a long time, and yeah things sucked, but they don't suck anymore and i'd really like to stick it this time. if i have to pack salads in a cooler to do it, it's a small price to pay. skipping our traditional bertucci's run will be a bit more difficult. we love so many restaurants that don't exist here. maybe i could just lick a slice or two.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

"H burns food so horrible, all I tastes is smoke!"

i've been listening to They Might Be Giants does the ABC'S. not having children is no reason not to enjoy this album. it's hilarious. there are some very jumpy exercise worthy songs. if anyone wants a mix write me, unless you find giggling at the gym unseemly. and me saying the weather wasn't so bad yesterday, i was full of shit. it just wasn't bad here. other poor souls lost their roofs, and a restaurant fell into the sea at old orchard beach. windy windy. but the good news is that afflicted states get two more days to file their taxes. you know things suck when taxes hold the good end of the news.

in news that's neither here nor there, the scale was way up yesterday and it freaked me the hell out. i didn't report it because i really hoped that it wasn't a lasting condition, and i was right. it came back down to 172 today. it hurts the most when you're doing the right things and something like that happens. and you think about everything you did and ate and how could cereal and two salads make you gain 5 pounds. your body, living it's life and all, betraying you. it makes me wonder what i would have said if it hadn't come back down on it's own.

i suppose if i had really gained 4 pounds, i'd get some chocolate and re-group the next day. that's what you do right? mourn for a bit and then move on. i didn't go for the chocolate but i did grab myself a soda last night, not knowing that today would be a reversal. the funny thing is that i couldn't drink it. the first few sips were ok, and then it was just way too sweet. so matt finished it. he might start to wonder if it's a ploy to steer calories his way...it might just work.

i've made a habit of telling myself no, and now even soda doesn't appeal. it's kindof fascinating retraining your own body. being your own guinea pig. all the news about the naturally skinny being creatures of habit, it's really true. if you do something long enough you accept it as the norm. like eating pasta every night for dinner when you're broke. it becomes the norm. and then you gain 30 pounds. not that i'm dwelling on my own mistakes, or anything. no, i'm really trying hard to build new habits and i think it's working.

i know i'm going to hate myself for saying this, probably tomorrow or in five minutes, but it's almost easy now. i felt like this before, i think in january or there abouts. like things were coming together and the pounds were falling off steadily and it just felt easy. i haven't gotten the falling numbers yet but the process is coming more and more easily. as long as nothing even remotely interesting happens between now and the next ten pounds...i'll be all set. i'm going to take it ten pounds at a time, work at maintaining it and go from there. i don't want to kill my easy breezy feeling with the more, faster, thinner thoughts that pop up so often. so i'm not going to think beyond 160. which is 12 pounds technically, i know. but it's my blog, i can be a hypocrite if i want to. it's in the constitution somewhere, practically verbatim. fact.

Monday, April 16, 2007

"I'm way off my game. My game's left the country. It's in Cuernavaca."

i've been feeling pretty blaise about this storm of the century business. which you sort of have to be when you live this close to stephen king. every night in maine could be the setting of your very own horror story, bastard and his fab imagination. the weather though, it's not that bad. but there's a state of emergency. apparently it's flooding in portland so the emergency thing is probably fair. here, it's all about the tides which hit their unnatural storm surge highs in about 20 minutes. y'all reckon a nissan can float? i don't usually worry about it because living here you don't really feel like you're on an island. until you start to wonder how strong the bridge is and just how much work did they get done last fall? i do sort of wish i could see the waves coming over the road at hulls cove and it's not even high tide yet (sarah, you reckon the water will reach my old apartment? i wonder).

despite the threats of the weather it was a pretty good weekend. it was a foodie couple of days, but in a good way. i have all these perfectly packed salads in the fridge. very june cleaver if she'd had gladware. i baked cookies and didn't eat them all, served matt chips and didn't have any and didn't even want to. saying no is so much easier when you make it a habit, it's a piece of metaphorical cake after a few weeks. and then i spent every cent of my food budget on extravagant things at the grocery store that i haven't used in years. raspberry dressing for goat cheese salad, sesame oil for all kinds of wonderful things, feta and olives for mediterranean wraps. needless to say i spent a fortune but all for a worthwhile cause. moi.

i've been feeling pretty bored with the grocery store. mostly because i kept my budget tighter than denise austin's ass and didn't allow myself to wander financially, but also it just sort of got old. all those posts other folks write about discovering new foods...that's not me. my mom bought everything, cooked everything, and we all ate everything. star fruit and coconuts and plantains, those weird cactus things i can't remember the name of and fennel and eggplant all the time*. she always had fresh gingerroot and lots of garlic, yum, but then she also liked blood sausage which was one path she walked alone.

with the possible exception of the hot peppers (she didn't do hot) there wasn't anything we didn't experiment with. we, i should say, she didn't want to miss out on anything and she didn't want us to miss out either. even when we were dead broke she would come home with kumquats or braided armenian cheese, some little new thing. i remember stuffing grape leaves after her favorite childhood restaurant closed, we were trying to mimic their recipe, my uncle almost cried** when he tasted them they were so close. she really loved food and it showed, i don't think she would love that that's what people remember most about her. but it wasn't just about food, it was about the adventure and the process and her enthusiasm was intoxicating. i think i was channeling her this weekend, like i was living her enthusiasm.

i haven't had that much fun in a grocery store for a long time. i've been searching recipes all morning. i had a pretty good idea of what i wanted to do with all the food i bought, but now i'm feeling more adventurous. a little less low cal, but enthusiasm waits for no man. or no diet. so i'm going to sneak a few things in. cold sesame noodles first and foremost. i'm thinking i'll use multi-grain pasta for balance, serve it with some stir fried vegetables. i'm looking forward to re-working my menu with a little more ooompf. rowr!




*she loved eggplant, a lot.
**severely bi-polar so do with that appraisal what you will.

Friday, April 13, 2007

"I just don't want to deal with this right now. I'm taking a holiday from dealing, happily vacationing in the land of not coping."

some lady was just telling the atm it needed a software upgrade. personally, i think if you find yourself talking to machines the atm software isn't the problem. it's odd, i've been thinking about machines that last a long time because i might get a treadmill and i want to get a good one. i did the consumer reports thing and wow, they're expensive. but as matt says i can always sell it if i rejoin the bonbons crowd. he's such a smartypants.

i was torn between the gym and the treadmill for awhile, but it's just not realistic to think i'll get up an hour earlier to drive an hour and then workout. a y membership would be more economical, but in a town i live an hour from? on vacation or a snow day, even on the weekends, it wouldn't be convenient. i hate it when the expensive thing makes sense. more sense than jogging with a rifle.

i'm excited about maybe getting one. i have no idea where i'll put it, but i think it could be a good thing for me. i'm pretty proud of how much i used my stepper since i bought it. i used it so much matt has to re-weld it. nothing fatal, it just squeaks. i'm really happy knowing that i didn't waste the money or the space i gave the thing. i grew up with so many dusty exercise machines i expected to keep up the family tradition. it gives me a little more confidence in buying something so expensive. a security blanket.

there is a very weird dude here fixing our copier, offering us candy, and telling us about his wife's extra painful labor with their first child. i generally think friday the thirteenth is what you make of it, but we've had some crazy folks in here today. it makes me wish we had a horror to watch tonight. something where copier guys and insane bank customers get locked together in a supply cabinet and have to eat eachother for survival. not that i've put much thought into it.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

camden schools close early

it's not even snowing yet. fellow mainers, what is the deal? we've had a whole winter of it, why's everyone so afraid of the snow now? arghhh.

"You want to look at the money? I find it always calms me."

171. finally. it's about time all this eating of the healthy and working up the sweat garnered me a pound lost. it's been like a week. no, really, i'm trying to be patient and it's nice to see something happening. i have to remember that slow is good, slow is maintainable. the whole thing is such an adjustment that the faster the losing the more likely the return. this morning i grabbed a shirt to put on, one of the many black ones in my closet, and well it wasn't the one i thought it was. it was one i hardly ever wear because i always think it accentuates the fat. not having a washer handy is having an adverse effect on the laundry so i just put it on and figured i'd wear a sweater over it. bulk and dark colors, the fat dresser's best friends. what do you know, it looked fine. as fine as the shirt i thought it was.

it's not an easy thing to retrain your brain to see what's really there when you've put so much work into not seeing it for so many years. i have to remember it's all new territory and i can't force the body i have into molds my mind makes. one thing has become very clear the last few up and down sort of weeks, my body is not deflating the same way it blew up. it's older, for one thing. it's more muscled. it's just not the same at all. i've been fitting into some clothes i saved from college, and maybe it's just me, but while they fit they don't look all that great.

i'm sort of torn because they're free and they do fit, but it's not the recapturing of a thinner youth that i had been hoping for. four years and thirty pounds takes a toll, and i seem to have gotten shorter. i've been tearing my house apart looking for these two skirts. they're limited (my kryptonite) size 12, wool winter skirts. i'm desperate to find the bastards. why exactly? they didn't fit this winter (well, they buttoned but it was not a look to write home about) and atleast one of them makes my legs look short and chubby. why, oh, why do i want them back when i could be buying new size 10's for next winter? because, obviously, there was a time i felt really great wearing those skirts. sexy, beautiful, remotely professional. i want that back pretty bad. i'm having a hard time accepting that i can't manipulate the end result no matter how hard i try.

i'm not entirely ready to give away all the things i've saved. not least because i can't wash them. i think i will be soon. i'm never going to get to be skinny in college. there aren't enough sit-ups in the world to take you back in time. so i'm working on embracing the present, including my present body. it's not as toned or as thin as i'd like it to be, but i have way more disposable income than i did in college. at the very least i can afford to invest in spanx now, if the sweating doesn't pay off eventually.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

"The shaking is a side effect of the fear."

you ever have a hungry day? when you could eat all the oatmeal in the world and you'd still be like mmm, yogurt. i'm so having a yogurt when this post is done. and then maybe a cheese stick. since i changed the way i eat hunger is a very different feeling. i used to get all dizzy and sick when i was hungry and i just never realized that that wasn't really hunger. taking better care of myself so this doesn't happen has given me a new experience of hunger. which i assume is more like the experience of others (and wow do i want to expound about how everyone's frame of reference blah blah blah because i'm reading this book with a psychologist in it and it reminds me of my mom and she would have loved to expound with me) when they feel hunger.

imagine living 25 years and not knowing hunger, mostly because by the time i got there i was half concious. why did i never see a doctor, no idea. it's totally better now. i'm sort of re-learning how to deal with hunger. you know, in a rational how many fingers kind of way. there's something particularly satisfying about feeling hungry lately, and eating something appropriate to stave off the hunger. this is dumb but it feels like a job well done. like gold star, good doggy, A+. this is the place to come when you feel like a dork right? to write about how having sandwich when you're hungry gets you on the dean's list of healthy living. it's just what i've been thinking about today. being in control and liking it. and now, since i compared myself to a dog graduating with honors i think i'll leave it there. no way i can top that imagery, not with the massive snacking i have pencilled in.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

"Don't make a lot of noise. Passions is coming on."

we bought a genuine home theatre system last night. actually i guess i did. part of our financial arrangement, the one where i buy the food and run wild with my moderate amount of power, seems to be that i buy the entertainment things and he buys the washing machines. it's sort of an unspoken thing. technically i win because i'm way too cheap to spend a grand on speakers but that's probably what he'll spend on the washer. see, i'm a kept woman. lucky me. but anyway, home theatre. they're expensive bastards. which is probably why i've always bought the forty dollar walmart version in the past. the kind that lasts two years if you're really nice to it. so it was worth doing the dorky consumer reports thing. i hope. i'm excited for ana caban in surround sound, i can't wait to hear her say that thing about her perky buns. that'll kick some perky ass in surround sound.

i was hoping this would be a spending free month but i'm not that upset about it, there are some things that are investments in the quality of your life. and while we could live without movies, cells would divide and all, it would be kind of boring. we live without cable and internet, no need to go too far. i can hardly believe how calm i am lately. it's great actually. i haven't felt like eating all the cookies that are still in my house, i haven't thought about them in days. i'm hardly even thinking about money and numbers anymore. direct link to cookie ignorance there i'm sure. i still check out the numbers once in a while, still pining for the day i'm out of debt.

i used to think about all the things i would buy when i got out of debt. which is a pretty good indicator of how i got into so much trouble in the first place. it's sort of like when you're on a crash diet and all you can think about is what you'll eat when the diet is over. a continuation of the problem and not a solution at all. i think that's pretty much why i can be so calm now. i'm not thinking of the things i'll spend money on when i'm out of debt anymore. i'm thinking about how much i can save and what i'll do with it.

as documented for over a year in addition to the fat, i have no idea where my life is going. what i want to do, if i want to go back to school, if i want to start a business. i'm always trying to think about what i really want to do. that's where the bakery idea came from. which would still be great fun if it didn't scare me to death. now i'm thinking of something else that would put together a lot of the things i love. something that will take some time and money to make happen. i'm thinking about a bed and breakfast. what's my favorite thing in the whole world? having people visit and cooking for them. it would give me an outlet for all my dreams of extravagant victorian hostessing.

it's a thought anyway. a thought that will require patience and the saving of money and will give me enough time to decide if i'm really dedicated to the idea. and if i change my mind i'll still have a bunch of money saved and i can go get drunk in mexico and forget all my troubles. the point to all this rambling is that i'm finally living like i'm going somewhere and not like i'm stuck in one place. it's a good place to be for all of the things i'm working on in my life.

Monday, April 09, 2007

re: why i'm a freak about what my boyfriend eats

PQ's question in the comments is a tricky one. so much so that i had to make a post to answer it because my reply was getting way too long. you see, when i talk about feeding the boyfriend it's only for me. purely academic. i feel bad about keeping hot dogs and ramen in the house because i know those aren't good foods to be eating, but matt complicates the issue. one, because he doesn't care about food and two because it makes no difference what he eats, and i'll explain that later i swear. i worry about it because i do the shopping. it's not that he can't stop at a store and buy what he wants, he certainly could but he never will because he doesn't care. that's my half of the domestic bargain because i like it and i could never give up control of what i eat, and also because i don't want to spend a saturday splitting wood or cutting down trees or changing the oil in my car. i would much rather shop at the best market in bangor and put endless thought into the week's menus even if it makes me insane sometimes. not as insane as me with an axe, for sure.

matt is one of those skinny people everyone hates. he would work all day and never notice that he didn't eat lunch if i didn't suggest it. maybe if he got peckish he'd drink some water. secretly it drives me nuts that he can go around all day without thinking about food because most of the time that's what i'm thinking about. what i'm going to cook, how i'm going to serve the food, the plates i'll use. people, i think about the plates. if he had to cook and shop for himself he would buy bacon, and maybe pancake mix, and probably some hot dogs. he knows how to cook more than that, but it's just of no consequence to him what he eats. he is supportive of whatever i cook and usually complimentary but only because he's trying to do the right thing for all my efforts.

the thing is, that as a chron's patient, it doesn't matter what he eats. most of what he eats gives him no nutritional value whatsoever. he could eat a steak dinner or suck on a lollipop and the calories he got out of it at the end would be pretty much the same. that's his life. there's nothing to be done about it, but his body is essentially starving all the time no matter what he eats or how much. since i do the cooking, i try to make rounded meals. rounded high calorie meals. atleast for him. i know it doesn't matter, but i still try. he doesn't worry about it because he's been bombarded by doctors for half his life telling him to eat more, eat this, don't eat that. if he listened to every doctor and what they said not to eat, he'd be drinking water for every meal (not that he'd mind, heh). so he doesn't think about it. he's trained himself not to think about it. and that's a big part of why he doesn't care about food. i also think he's just one of those people who can look at food strictly as fuel (and would even if he never got sick). and then there's the every time he eats it hurts thing. the boy can't win.

he gave up soda, he's never been a drinker, and he doesn't like to eat too much junk or fastfood. but it doesn't really matter. he chooses not to do those things because they are healthy things not to do. in reality he'll never be overweight, he'll never have high cholesterol whether good or bad. eating more greens won't save him from cancer, more calcium won't help his bones, not like a healthy person. it's sort of like weight loss surgery where the food bypasses all absorption, only without the morbid obesity and with a better prognosis.

so there's the part that frustrates me, the part where if he's hungry he can eat just the one cookie and never think about eating the whole box. and there's the part where i feel guilty when he eats hot dogs for dinner because that's what i bought for him. and there's the part where it doesn't matter anyway because his body is starving him no matter what he eats. i write about it because i worry about it, not because it can be resolved through writing about it. it's just always on my mind. the only benefit is that my need to feed him healthy food feeds me healthy food too. which, even though it would make a difference in my life, i'm not all the pressed to do. so, while i feel a little bad about keeping ramen noodles in the house for him it doesn't really matter. i might as well save the cash and give up the guilt. but what fun would that be.

"Breathtaking. It's like somebody slaughtered an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog."

back to the saltmines at 172. i don't know what to say about the weekend. i sort of thought i'd end up fatter. we had a very weird meal schedule going on. usually i'm a worrier and a planner with a back up plan. atleast when it comes to feeding matt. this weekend there was no plan and he had ramen noodles for atleast one meal. part of me can't believe i didn't capitalize on that sooner because it's a wicked cheap way to deal with lunch and the other part can't believe i let him eat powdered ground chicken broth as a meal. is it worse than hot dog day? is that even a worthy debate?

i found bangor's best grocery store. it was genius putting it right near the mall. it's practically invisible. there was hardly a soul there on saturday mid-day. five old ladies in the canned goods aisle, it was like a dream with cheese sticks and that frozen bread dough matt likes. i also got some new t-shirts, which was almost as much a revelation as the market. it finally occurred to me that my top half is shrinking too. why it escaped me that my shirts were too big i'm not really sure. probably since too big shirts don't fall off they weren't made a priority. but they still make you look fat and sloppy. it's worth it for the self esteem to have clothes that fit.

in other news, i'm not sure how long i'll have blog access at work. the computers they are unhappy. so far, blogger has escaped the firewall of protection for our own good but who knows for how long. it's a good reason to get my act together about internet in the home. that's as soon as i replace my dvd player. the bastard died on the last disk of the last season of buffy. how could it leave the world dangling on the edge of peril like that. reckless magnavox. be it known that if i disappear i shall be back. and probably verbose for lack of appropriate release. i could call you all and whine but the sniveling is really better in print. i can erase the excessive "ya know"'s and dance on the fine line of correct grammar. and dancing burns calories so it's important to stay online. i'm certain i wouldn't have lost almost 25 pounds without this website, i could never stay away for long.

Friday, April 06, 2007

"Okay, either I'm borrowing all your albums or I'm moving in."

it's still snowing and i still like april because it's not march and i don't want to throw up. however, i can't say a touch of spring wouldn't be nice. the weather's in the 30's atleast, for which we are grateful. snow is one thing but freezing to death in april is just going too far. you know you live in maine when you're happy about 30 degrees.

i had rum cake and coke for breakfast, which i thought was amusing, and i'm not even feeling guilty about it yet. i exercised yesterday. which since we got out early is not all that great of an achievement but it's better than sitting around. otherwise nothing's happening. snow, food, guilt. it's very winter mentality. atleast it's friday. i'm looking forward to not having to do anything. days like that are nice sometimes, a little shopping and a little cooking and nothing important to get done. we're avoiding matt's family easter dinner. because we're heathens, and also selfish. maybe i'll cook matt a ham steak and he can enjoy the re-birth of jesus with mashed potatoes.

happy easter if that's your thing!

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

"Who died and made you the Iron Chef?"

i didn't end up using the eggs last night. because i am an idiot. i didn't stop for a bundt pan 'cause i was going to make a ton of cookie dough, i thought that was the best way to not eat it. mix and freeze, that was all i was going to do. except that by ton i meant literally. 6 eggs, using the recipe that required the most eggs, would have begat thirteen and a half dozen cookies. even frozen, that's an army of chocolate chips. the other recipes would have been almost 20 dozen. which would be fine if i was a certified insured kitchen and i could cart their chocolatey asses to the market and sell 'em, but i can't. now i have to go to walmart (evilly convenient) and buy a bundt pan so i can go home and intoxicate a very eggy cake. right now is an i wish i could stop thinking about this so i don't go insane moment.

one of my co-workers just started an almost south beach thing. her husband was pronounced obese and with high blood pressure. he was shocked, as are all the everyday obese folks who get through most of their day just fine. he was one of those people who think obese means you need heavy equipment to get you out of your house. reality is a harsh mistress. they're doing the diet together, after she convinced him that she is technically obese too. we've been talking a lot about diets the last few days. diets and coupon clipping are our big bonding points and they don't really work well together. bad for me, but it's worse for her.

the thing is, there are hardly ever coupons for fresh vegetables. no, the coupons are for cake mix and cookies and sugar cereals. or god save us hamburger helper. not only are these things big in the coupon section, they're also always on sale. the establishment is practically paying you to eat this crap. i fell into that trap, no i lived in that trap, when i was really broke. that's where she is, she has a house full of potatoes in a box and sodium white rice blends and cinnamon rolls in a can. because it was cheap and it got the job done and when you eat it all the time it tastes good. it's hard to get out of that situation when you can't afford to lose all that food and your health can't afford to eat it.

she gave me all her "bad" coupons. shoot me, i accepted some cookie mix coupons. do i need that, NO. see first paragraph, one thousand times no. but i took them. let's just hope i have the strength not to use them myself. or the one for eggos. although matt could really use the calories. the list of rationalizations goes on and on and on.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

"I've Googled 'til I just can't Google no more."

that's not what i had intended to write about today. i was thinking i could talk about how mad i am that the hormones a'cometh right when i'm all ready to rock and are farking up my scale, or the latest fire in my kitchen which is a perennial favorite, or how i dropped a carton of pete and gerry's organic eggs in my kitchen and now i need a recipe that uses 6 eggs. accidentally telling the world wide web you're getting married can be so distracting. speaking of which, i can't wait to tell matt about it and watch him twitch. what's love for if you can't torment your beloved for your own amusement.

i hadn't really settled on a topic, they're all so exciting. i really love buying new bamboo kitchen utensils and then leaving them near the gas range. who thought it would only take a month for the first fire to pop up. and matt said "maybe we should get a fire alarm". yeah babe, maybe we should get on that.

the hormones and the scale are pretty self explanatory. and yet every month i forget and i spend a few days feeling like a bad, bad dieter. i moved the scale around looking for a better spot for five minutes before i remembered that it's not the scale, it's the ass. and the water retention. i'm always so willing to believe that i gained 3 pounds in a day. it's amazing more people don't cop to shooting jfk, all the guilt we carry around.

oh, and the eggs. two seconds after telling matt the groceries were delicate, i let the bag fall off the chair. ca-thunk crash crack. i'm way too cheap to let pricey organic eggs get tossed, so all the reasonably not too nasty ones got cracked into a tupperware bowl. which should be fine for a day or so. only thing is i put six in one bowl. whoops. i know you can mix it up and then divide by six or three or whatever (here comes the dread kitchen math again) but that sucks. i really wanted a recipe that asks for six eggs. and can i tell you not even quiche wants six eggs. i could make a ridiculous chocolate cake, but that's not really in the spirit of the diet.

my options are to make three times the recipe of cookie dough and freeze it or i can guesstimate two eggs and make a rum cake that freezes well with the other four. i haven't decided yet. i had intended to make a rum cake anyway, because we have a lot of rum around (i don't know why, neither of us drinks it) and freezing it would keep me from taste testing. i have to decide today because i don't know how long eggs are good out of their native habitat. and i don't really want to eat scrambled eggs for five hours on end. not that there's anything wrong with that. except the puking. could there be a worse time for the what to bake with these rich calorie laden ingredients challenge?

"Take it easy, you'll get your kittens."

no, i'm not getting married. the only time i'd ever post that is when i'm embellishing my love for 1/12 of the year. apparently i haven't been whining about march as much online as i have been in the three d world. i've been really annoying about march, you see. repeatedly, incessantly, infuriatingly whiny about that horrible no good month. and april, well, i like it. we're going steady. like how when you pass a dude with a mullet and a motley crue t-shirt and you tell your sister "he's your boyfriend" but you don't mean it. you're just being a jerk. that's me. there's no marriage here.

that freaked me out, and it was totally my fault. and i forgot to go to this thing i was supposed to go to this morning. a boring work thing that could be over by now, but i forgot and now i have to reschedule. and it's snowing. we have about 4 inches. which isn't unheard of in april, just sad-making. i'm glad that i got a long walk in yesterday before the weather. i have to remember to take the exercise when i can get it and not put it off. i always feel so accomplished afterwards.

i still haven't done bean fest. i should just shut up about it already. if you guessed i spent my night sorting through the last box we packed as we ran screaming from my apartment, you were right. candle holders, half a cocktail shaker, cat claw clippers and the handle to the vacuum. the last box is officially unpacked. and the house seems so big now. it's amazing what moving out the world of cardboard will do for a kitchen.

and i'd better get this retraction up before the mixers and toasters start piling in. married, indeed.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Dear Sarah,

everytime i see you on my statcounter i sing "Massachusetts, Boston and Albany New York". you're my very own animaniac.

"If anyone sees my spine laying around, just try not to step on it."

matt and i both declared that we need to drink more water this weekend, together we finished off over 6 liters. which means i need to buy some more. i could even plan to buy the recommended amount for two people for every day. imagine. but then i'd have to math and that stinks. or i stink at it. i spent valuable chocolate eating time this weekend trying to figure out how many chocolate chips are in an ounce. i thought if i divided the 12 ounce bag by the serving size i could figure it out. so i counted 200 chocolate chips to find that my half empty bag had about 204 chocolate chips in it and pretty much i could have just emptied the bag and my cake would've been fine. chocolate math karma sucks. but the cake was good.

i didn't get to all my proteiny cooking, but the house is completely clean. all the boxes are gone. it's a very wonderful thing. i'll be beaning it up tonight instead. i did three of the things i had hoped to do. i know i've said before that you shouldn't stop pilates because when you start again you die right there on mat, but i'll say it again. i started up on sunday and i died on the mat. i didn't even make it to the teaser. tonight i'll step and tomorrow night i'll try again.

i keep wondering how i lost those first twenty pounds and i'm really astounded until i remember that i exercised like a fiend. and then i sort of petered out. the whole getting comfortable thing. i keep saying i'm going to get uncomfortable again (and here's where it gets confusing) and now i'm finally comfortable enough to get uncomfortable. having my house be a wreck really made me nuts. more than i think i realize even now. the peacefulness i feel right now is amazing. i love april and we're getting married. it rocks as much as i thought it would.

i feel like i'm ready to get serious. serious like i was last winter. i've been maintaining pretty well on food alone, time to add back the exercise. i would really like to make pilates a habit again, every other day. and half an hour of stepping on the days in between. like i used to do religiously LAST YEAR. oh, and the walking. like how i used to do enough to give myself shin splints. i don't need to do that but i do want to walk again. i've been avoiding it for no real reason. i used to really like it. the pier and the ocean and the sun just rising. why would i want to avoid that? it's just stupid.

it's a little harder to motivate when you've lost some of the desperation. which is tricky because it's good not to feel desperate and hate yourself and punish yourself for everything you do. that's a good place to be, but it's like the hotel california. i can't apologize enough for that analogy but it's true, you all know it's true. you have to leave and stay at the same time. physics just doesn't work with a diet, oil and water. physics and biology. imagine our ancestors working to not be fat and happy. no wonder dieting is so hard, it's against the grain of evolution and our innate need to survive. it gives every success a new meaning doesn't it, we're beating even more odds than we thought.