today hello kitty helped me pack my lunch. if i hadn't had my lunch bag and freezer pack i would have scriggled out of my usual yogurt for lunch and ordered thai food. but then i ate a kit kat so i guess i'm at a draw, err, with myself. but i totally had to have that kit kat because apparently i'm supposed to be looking at bridesmaid dresses. did i mention that? the my best friend's getting married and i'm going to be a bridesmaid and i'll be contractually obliged to wear a dress thing? well, she is and i am and i will, be. obliged, that is.
i have known for as long as i've known my best friend that i would be in her wedding. you know the way you know something in it's total finality without it ever being discussed. she will get married and i will be there and i will do everything in my power to make sure it's the day of her dreams. that's it, it's one of those things that you know and accept and never think of again. and then you realize you have to do all of those things in a historically infamous dress and you get a little light headed. me, taffeta, fainting couch. end scene.
she is adamant that we choose the dresses ourselves and have what we want and be comfortable. it's not by chance that my bestest friend is so easy going. what i hadn't considered is how difficult it is going to be to choose a dress, the ramifications of which are so vast and far reaching. so many things to consider, walking, standing, photos and yet more photos, dancing, and of course, weeping. and that's without the very practical "will i be able to enter public in this dress sober" question.
i'm a little worried about that last part. i'm not huge on marriage for myself, not to say i don't appreciate the good job so many people make of it, but i really never ever ever wanted a wedding. the thought of any number of people coming to an occasion where i was more or less the sole attraction makes my skin itch. the great thing about being a bridesmaid is that it's a window dressing job. bridesmaid = curtains, beautiful view = bride. at least this is what i'm trying to convince myself of to make the venture possible in my mind. i have just about a year to come to terms with wearing a fancy dress and getting in better shape for it. even though i've been waiting since the fourth grade, a year seems unbelievably short.
it's funny that i'm using curtains as a metaphor for the dress nerves. very scarlet o'hara. very still picturing my physical appearance akin to parts of a house. it reminds me of something that sort of works into how i'm living my life at the moment. my mother had these curtains for ages and ages that she kept remaking a la gone with the wind. first they were huge drapes which was much before me and i've only seen pictures. later she used parts of the drapes to make these giant padded valances and smaller window curtains when the moved house. then she had it all sewn in to a sofa and used trimmings on new curtains to retain the frighteningly matchy hotel lobby quality of the living room.
why am i writing about my mother's bizarre depression/victorian/hilton window trimming fascination, i really did have a reason. i feel like this is what i'm trying to do with my life and my continuing efforts to reform my body. i'm trying to use the same fabric clipped and re-arranged to form something new and better and it's really not working. it worked well enough to help me change from a person who needed to lose fifty pounds to a person who needs to lose 20 pounds, but it isn't helping me get any closer to goal and/or to feel any more fulfilled. it is genuinely time for something new.