do these cookies make me look fat?

today i am eating some of the cookies i baked specifically for matt. which reminds me of this. i tried to craft a response that was both honest and didn't make me look like a be-pearled june cleaver fembot but it can't be done. atleast not by me which was sort of the point which is why i need a whole post to sort it out. maybe my brain couldn't get around the irony of saying that yes, i do have to keep cookies for the boyfriend and usually it's not a problem but right now i'm eating three that i stole. heh.

that stole is causing me a problem too. i baked the bastards, i even quasi-invented the recipe (because i lost count on some things and had to do some "fixing"), and still i feel like i stole it from him. not that he'll care. or notice. i know i don't need them so they're stolen, my subconcious is telling me that i'm stealing from my own good health. or something deep like that.

i've lost my point which is, my food issues have nothing to do with him. that was what i really wanted to convey in the comment i never wrote for that post. we have ice cream and some sort of baked treat in the house pretty much every week and it's hardly ever a problem for me. i don't feel like i have to keep it out of my house to protect myself. sure there are foods that i choose not to buy because i will eat all of them and i don't need to. like i could have an apple pie because i could have one piece and leave the rest for matt but he doesn't like pumpkin pie so it would be all me or all trash can. both of those choices stink so generally i don't buy something that i alone like.

in the comments on that post a lot of people were saying adults can get their own cookies, or whatever, they don't need to be cared for. that's all true. but aren't we dieters adults too and responsible for our own decisions. it's more difficult to keep trigger foods out of a house with two adults living in it. if i had extreme issues with the foods i keep around for matt, we'd have to talk about it. there are things i could do, i could bake him his treats and send them all off to work with him on day one. he could buy his own treats and leave them at work. there is just nothing i could do about his nightly ice cream. it's not reasonable that he shouldn't be allowed to have something he likes around for his convenience. we don't live in the sort of place where he could pop out for an ice cream in less than an hour and anyway that would cost a fortune. if i was constantly eating his ice cream it would be a problem i wouldn't be sure how to solve.

obviously that post got me a thinkin'. i don't know if i would be better off diet wise living on my own, or not. living with someone, whether or not they're paying close attention, keeps me accountable. i could spend all evening eating ice cream or meat or whatever and he probably wouldn't notice, but it is still in the back of my mind the same as it always was that i'd rather no one see me do that. in the end it's up to me to do the right things for myself. the only way i will succeed is to change how i do things and react to things because there is only so much i can do about my environment. and i'm ending with another cliche, cat sweatshirt here i come.