10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Thursday, July 05, 2007

"I build each one of my days out of hope"

i'm always hopeful and confident when i try out a new recipe. sure, it'll work out fine and if it doesn't...the world will not end. i'm that cheerful until i pull the damn thing out of the oven. and most of the time the finished product is just fine. in some cases it's freakin' fantastic. and then there was yesterday. a lot of things went wrong yesterday and most of the day i wanted to break something. or somethings. i'd like to say i handle pressure well, and i'm certain that quality is among the myriad truth stretchings on my resume, but i really don't. i started my baking at 7 am and put my boss' birthday carrot cake in the oven by 7:30. and then matt came upstairs and said "what's this cup of flour for?". oh ho ho, what is the flour for indeed. the cake that is already in the oven.

i think i survived the ruining of the carrot cake pretty well, all things considered. i took stock of the fridge and what i had left to work with and found a recipe that would use the cream cheese for the carrot cake's frosting and be a little special for a birthday. i got that recipe ready to go and was more of less optimistic about it. and then apparently i stopped reading directions and rolled the very delicate dough on one of my dough boards. instead of in the pan as suggested. you know why they suggest that? because after you braid the dough over the filling you cannot move the bastard. luckily that recipe made two and i was able to learn my lesson without too much trouble. i guess i was alright at this point. relatively happy with way things were going. i had a little something for the birthday and five loaves of cinnamon bread for matt. i almost stopped here. i figured i could use the raspberry braid as a "sample" of my baking for the farmer's market folks and use the rest of the day to clean up the unbelievable mess of my kitchen.

i had promised to make cinnamon rolls but i wasn't feeling it at the time. matt talked me into it, saying a little practice wouldn't be so bad. and he was right. i had no real reason not to make the cinnamon rolls, i was just feeling sorry for myself. but i feel worse now because i went a tried a new recipe (from the book where the magic brownies and the miraculous pizza dough and the very pretty raspberry braid came from) and wow did it ever suck. i got some really great stuff out of that book and had every reason to hope the cinnamon rolls would be better than my usual, or at least just as good. sometimes i'm truly stunned by my own stupidity. you're starting a business, you want to make a good impression, so you pick a brand new recipe on a day that is definitely not touched by an angel. way to work the confidence mo-jo.

i could go on about stupid decisions i made and how i made things worse by trying to fix them being more rash than i was to start with, but i'd really rather just forget. i won't use that recipe again. and you know what, the raspberry cream cheese braid thing is freakin' amazing. my boss suggested i make it a staple for my farmer's marketing and that would probably be a very good idea. i'm trying to turn my frown upside down today so i can get a grip for friday's baking. i'm also going to get some big ass poster board and make a list like "Flour 1, 2, 3 cups" and a giant marker to check them off as i go. i can't believe i wasted so many ingredients because of pure thoughtlessness. that's what bothers me the most. a bad recipe is a bad recipe and you have to make it to know, but not being careful is just that and it'll cost me a fortune to screw up my baking for profit by making careless mistakes. (insert bitch slap here)

you know what's even more depressing? i was so busy rolling dough and hating myself i forgot to eat yesterday and i still weigh 170 this morning. verging on 171. that's just not right.


Dyan said...

Hi Amy!
I've just finished reading all of your blog posts from day one. It took me about 3 weeks of stealing time at work, but I am glad. I think we were separated at birth or perhaps we are living the lives of one person but with one turning point. Did you ever see the movie, Sliding Doors, with Gwyneth Paltrow? If not, Netflix queue.
Here's a few things about me that are like you:
Sister lives in Frederick, Maryland
Mom died. November 8, 2005 after a long suffering with a disease called sarcoidosis. We didn't get along, but I am still sad.
Just got my back tattoo.
Love the gap, and when I was thinner, I could shop for jeans there because they carried size 20. The smallest I could ever get would be an 18. Loved the Old Navy clearance. Unfortunately, now I am a 24/26 so going to tent store for any dresses.
Think the 4 door Jeep looks like a mini-Hummer (I call Hummers sheds)
And when you talked about how you think people look at you when you order food, or that you have to get your money's worth at the soda machine, it hit a nerve. We all think that way. I write a monthly food column called Chew On This, and next month's article is on behaviour at buffets. Sick.
Anyways, I just want to know that all of us fatgirls are in the same boat.
Good luck on your business. I started my own business over 2 years ago (consulting) and I know where you are coming from! My biggest problem is thinking that my work isn't worth charging for! I love what I do, and then the people I meet and do work for become friends, and I have such a problem giving them a bill! Your baked goods are going to be great and worth the pink boxes. Start out your marketing/brand image now!!!!!
If you need advice, as I am a professional chef and marketing consultant, please contact me!

Amy said...

wow dyan, you get the longest comment award for sure. you reminded me of so many things i haven't thought about in a long while.

i have seen sliding doors and i listen to the soundtrack in my car all the time.

was your sister a hood girl? i might know her if she was.

i'm sorry you lost your mom, it's always sad even if you don't get along all the time.

i searched chew on this but i couldn't find it, i'll be waiting for your first post on wearing black for a reason. that's the number one thing i hate about my wardrobe, every damn thing is black. failing that send me an email. my address is on the sidebar, if we were seperated at birth we should catch up!

Lady T said...

i must laugh bc this particular day in your kitchen reminds me of every day in my own...i am typically forgeful, and it seems guaranteed that the more planning and heart i put into something, my chances for things going wrong increase exponentially!

at least you discovered the rasberry braid...had you not fouled up in the first place, it may have taken you months to discover that recipe....or you may never have discovered it at all....i think the odds are in your favor that that RB will be a main money making staple.

i admire your courage to step out there and start your own business....thats amazing.

Amy said...

it's true i would've missed that recipe if i hadn't screwed up. happy accident i guess.