"That was real manly how you shrieked and all."

aww, man, 169. granted it was a weekend of gluttony and i've no right to expect anything, i'm still a little bummed but it's nothing to worry about. now that the rain has finally stopped, i can get back to exercising. i should be glad i didn't gain over 170 after almost a whole week with no exercise. it's not a great way to go about losing weight, sitting on your ass.

at the moment, i have none of the things i need to have a reasonable on diet day. i completely forgot to buy diet food at the grocery store. yogurt, cheese sticks, stuff like that. i stopped at the store this morning to take care of it and whoops! they're completely sold out of the only two things i wanted. i hate that. low fat cheese sticks just aren't that hard to find, can't be. they're not made of gold or orgasms or anything. geez. so i got an odwalla protein drink instead. i was desperate. i've already had my two servings of it, breakfast and snack. it wasn't so bad. i expect if i drank it on a regular basis i would get used to it. a little chalky, a little too sweet, but i'm not too hungry sitting here typing. it might just be a new find, especially for emergencies.

i had some adventures with tofu last night. for some reason i kept forgetting that i had already put soy sauce in the stir fry and i kept pouring in more. thank god it was low sodium. it was way way too salty, but i'm going to try to eat the left overs. with about a gallon of water handy. i suppose that could explain the extra pound in itself, the six pounds of salt i ate yesterday. i hate guessing like that though, it's much more likely a combination of things that together aren't so great for the body. i know i wasn't doing my best last week and this weekend, maybe i've got some of it out of my system. i'd like to have a fresh start on this last week before my vacation. to maintain atleast my 168.

in the course of the weekend of gluttony, i did a little shopping. testing the waters of size twelve. i picked up some more pants at the 15 dollar sale in new york and co. they're not bad really. i could've had a cute suit for 30 bucks, but i'm not a 12 up top yet. it was almost closing though. which means i should really test the size 16 suit jacket from february. it's probably a little undergrown. more stuff for the charity shop, brand frickin' new. i keep amazing myself with how big 16's and 14's seem now. and then when i'm wearing the 12's i think, gee i could actually be a lot smaller than this.

i thought 12 was smaller when i was fatter. the least i can say for my fatter self is that i kept my skinny dreams quite realistic, size 12 isn't so skinny as to be impossible. i think i'm being a little more hard on myself now than when i had less hope. it's funny how your expectations change with you. the impossible is a moving target now. something to catch up with. i really like that image. i think i'll keep it in mind while i try to figure out my new goals. i'm not ready to think about a new low goal yet. if ever. i don't want to chase a number when i might be perfectly happy a bit over. i guess i'll have to keep thinking about it and waiting and seeing and trying to stay happy with what i'm doing. and i am right now, happy with what i'm doing. i don't feel like i'm limiting myself, i feel like i'm not eating things that i don't want only because they're there. it's a big difference mentally. walking into the ring versus being dragged in. roar!