PQ's question in the comments is a tricky one. so much so that i had to make a post to answer it because my reply was getting way too long. you see, when i talk about feeding the boyfriend it's only for me. purely academic. i feel bad about keeping hot dogs and ramen in the house because i know those aren't good foods to be eating, but matt complicates the issue. one, because he doesn't care about food and two because it makes no difference what he eats, and i'll explain that later i swear. i worry about it because i do the shopping. it's not that he can't stop at a store and buy what he wants, he certainly could but he never will because he doesn't care. that's my half of the domestic bargain because i like it and i could never give up control of what i eat, and also because i don't want to spend a saturday splitting wood or cutting down trees or changing the oil in my car. i would much rather shop at the best market in bangor and put endless thought into the week's menus even if it makes me insane sometimes. not as insane as me with an axe, for sure.
matt is one of those skinny people everyone hates. he would work all day and never notice that he didn't eat lunch if i didn't suggest it. maybe if he got peckish he'd drink some water. secretly it drives me nuts that he can go around all day without thinking about food because most of the time that's what i'm thinking about. what i'm going to cook, how i'm going to serve the food, the plates i'll use. people, i think about the plates. if he had to cook and shop for himself he would buy bacon, and maybe pancake mix, and probably some hot dogs. he knows how to cook more than that, but it's just of no consequence to him what he eats. he is supportive of whatever i cook and usually complimentary but only because he's trying to do the right thing for all my efforts.
the thing is, that as a chron's patient, it doesn't matter what he eats. most of what he eats gives him no nutritional value whatsoever. he could eat a steak dinner or suck on a lollipop and the calories he got out of it at the end would be pretty much the same. that's his life. there's nothing to be done about it, but his body is essentially starving all the time no matter what he eats or how much. since i do the cooking, i try to make rounded meals. rounded high calorie meals. atleast for him. i know it doesn't matter, but i still try. he doesn't worry about it because he's been bombarded by doctors for half his life telling him to eat more, eat this, don't eat that. if he listened to every doctor and what they said not to eat, he'd be drinking water for every meal (not that he'd mind, heh). so he doesn't think about it. he's trained himself not to think about it. and that's a big part of why he doesn't care about food. i also think he's just one of those people who can look at food strictly as fuel (and would even if he never got sick). and then there's the every time he eats it hurts thing. the boy can't win.
he gave up soda, he's never been a drinker, and he doesn't like to eat too much junk or fastfood. but it doesn't really matter. he chooses not to do those things because they are healthy things not to do. in reality he'll never be overweight, he'll never have high cholesterol whether good or bad. eating more greens won't save him from cancer, more calcium won't help his bones, not like a healthy person. it's sort of like weight loss surgery where the food bypasses all absorption, only without the morbid obesity and with a better prognosis.
so there's the part that frustrates me, the part where if he's hungry he can eat just the one cookie and never think about eating the whole box. and there's the part where i feel guilty when he eats hot dogs for dinner because that's what i bought for him. and there's the part where it doesn't matter anyway because his body is starving him no matter what he eats. i write about it because i worry about it, not because it can be resolved through writing about it. it's just always on my mind. the only benefit is that my need to feed him healthy food feeds me healthy food too. which, even though it would make a difference in my life, i'm not all the pressed to do. so, while i feel a little bad about keeping ramen noodles in the house for him it doesn't really matter. i might as well save the cash and give up the guilt. but what fun would that be.