*

10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

"There's something about food that moves by itself that gives me the heebie-jeebies."

i moved my scale this morning. and now i'm thinking i probably should have used it where it was first. matt built a very pretty apartment, but the tile floor in the bathroom is for sure not even. i'm not sure if the wood floors are perfectly even either but i sure liked the scale number better. 175 vs 172. course that 175 could be accurate. god forbid. seeing as the doctor had me at 176. that would be about right probably. i'm not really sure what i'll do, but i'll probably move it back to the vanity floor. fragile, fragile psyche.

i'm almost in to a new routine. i have breakfast at the same time i used to, only now i have it at work. i'm not as ridiculously hungry for dinner when i get home as i thought i would be. i think regulating my blood sugar has been the biggest benefit of this thing i've been doing. i used to feel faint and nauseas when i was getting hungry. it used to be a huge deal, at least to me, to avoid having this happen. especially in company. i can't remember the last time i felt that way. it makes eating like a normal person that much more possible.

in fat news i'm officially the same size as i was when i left college. i fit in to all of my size 12 jeans. i am so relieved on the one hand because i won't have to buy jeans for awhile. on the other, i still need work clothes. i'm hoping to hold out till spring. what a thing to have seasonally appropriate clothes that fit. my word! i won't know what to do myself. on the third hand, for lack of an appropriate seque, it seems i was way fatter in college than i thought i was.

i'm not sure why i'm surprised considering that i never felt particularly skinny then, i guess i just chalked it up to dismorphic disorder. i've been looking on the me of that time as a sort of a goal. regretting how badly i felt about my body, which i'm sure led me to treat it the way i ultimately did. if i am today the same size as when i left school, i was a little more overweight than i thought. not that it matters. can't do much about the then can i? i guess i'm in a better place to deal with reality than i was then, on some level. it does make me wonder what will happen if i ever do reach my bmi reccomended weight. i hope i can be happy with it. most of the time i am happy with my body. i know i have work to do to be satisfied. i just wish i knew what satisfied was. i don't want to miss it.

2 comments:

metamorphose said...

"In fat news..." hahaha

I'm sure you'll know satisfaction when you see it.

Amy said...

i hope so, the end of insanity.