the doctor business wasn't so bad. she's gonna check my thyroid again and she was fairly impressed with my "official" 20 pounds lost. i demurred a bit on the "how are you doing it?" thing. i'm not really trying didn't seem like a good answer, so instead of giving her my url i just said "uhm, i'm not depressed anymore". which seemed to suffice. caring about your life sort of makes an impression. and you have better things to do than watch netflix and eat macaroni and cheese and never leave your house.
she was very democratic about suggesting i lose more. she said about 155 would be the weight where i would experience fewer health problems. not that i am experiencing any at the moment. she said it in a good way where she was happy with my loss and not pushing too much. 155 is about where i'd like to be too. on my scale of course. where i'm only 15 pounds away. i suppose my 150 would equal her 156 so my goal will be somewhere around there. i like the ring of just 15 more pounds. i had just gotten used to 20 more pounds so 15 feels like i'm already ahead.
it is technically true that i'm not doing anything in particular. like a plan. i definitely don't have a plan. it's not entirely accurate either. i don't make macaroni and cheese once a week. i don't make it once a month. i've made it once in the new year when i had company and i can't remember the time before that. why? because it's solid fat and useless carbs. i've always known that, the difference i suppose is that now i think about it. and i think, that's not what i want, it's not what my body needs, so i don't cook it very often. i'm probably getting a little too detaily with the macaroni metaphor. the point is that i think about some things more. and some things less.
it never would have made a difference to the me of two years ago that there's a lot of fat in some of my favorite dishes. i might well have made them all in a week and not cared. now i think about my week and form a plan even if it isn't written in stone. i've changed the way i think about food and that's the big difference. so many of us have worried about food and weight for so long, since we were children, that the worry has tainted the way we think about everything else in our lives too. i can't count the hours i've wasted thinking about how someone else would choose in my place. what someone else thinks i should be choosing. like i'd better order the salad so this person will know that i know that i'm fat and they'll think i'm trying. what a waste. there's no other word. now i base my choices on my wants, with some perspective thrown in, and i spend a lot less time worrying and a lot more doing. at the very least i'm able to say i'm doing my best. what more can you do for yourself.