i just wrote this long ass post about the big day i have planned. i'm going to close out some credit cards. i wrote it because i'm worried about it even though i've researched it for months and it really won't make a difference for 7 years. but it was some kind of boring. even i was bored and i read money for fun. so, long story short: i'm ending a very depressing chapter of my life.
the chapter during which i was so broke, desperate and, well, fat obviously that i took a lot of risks with my credit...amongst other things. that chapter really sucked. this thing with closing out the accounts is really small in the long run, but i'm incredibly nervous about it. i wonder why? could it be my paralyzing fear of returning to that place? huh? you think? so i'm working through that and i'm going to cancel those cards. i have to start proving to myself that i'm not going to let things get that bad again. that i'm better. really better. and things will keep getting better.
it's not an easy thing to let go of all that fear. it's work to get better. and it's work to stay better. it's work to let go. somehow growing up it's a big secret how difficult life actually is. when my friend amy was visiting we had a long talk about this. teachers, parents, they tell you all you need to succeed in life is to get good grades, don't do drugs, do what you're told. yeah, right. that A in a. p. european history really makes surviving grief and staying out of debt that much easier. should've worked for an A+. that would have made the difference. is it just easier to ignore the harshness of reality and hope for the best? i'd like to think the mentors of my youth didn't have the heart to tell us that highschool and college and getting A's really don't mean anything. that they believed in the system, for what it was worth.