10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

gym class is the root of all evil, or the summer my mom thought i was anorexic

since i got on the healthy lifestyle bandwagon i've been thinking alot about my history with exercise. pretty much that would be gym class. 45 minutes a day, three times a week, pretending like i did whatever it was we were supposed to have done. i hated gym class. the only good thing about gym class was when my best friend holly was with me. holly was alot more talented with sports than i was, there's a shrine to prove it, so she wasn't as afraid as i was but we both hated it.* i was up nights thinking about how much i didn't want to go to gym class. class itself was rarely dissapointing in being fucking scary.

there's a feast of reasons to hate gym class. you could not be picked for a team and have to wait for the teacher to place you on a team while everyone on that team groans loudly.** you could get hit out in dodgeball within nanoseconds of the game starting, depressing. or you could have to do gymnastics on balance beams and springboards with no training at all. the latter happened to me in 6th grade. holly was with me and we successfully bullshitted our way into getting no further in our gymnastics careers than performing summersaults over and over again. take that kerri strugg. we got really good at pretending we had run a mile, climbed over a wall on the backs of our classmates(why?), and did a running slide under the volleyball net(again, WHY did we he have to do that?).

the only time i remember doing something without fucking it up was in seventh grade when we were tested in our ability to do sit-ups and push-ups and the like. they counted how many we could do and wrote it down. i think this was my favorite gym class ever. the summer before 7th grade i had decided i was fat and i was determined to do something about it. so for hours every day i holed up in my room and did sit-ups and push-ups while watching re-runs on wnds.*** however sad and misguided, i kicked ass on that gym test. so much so that one of the whiniest skinny girls**** i ever knew had the gaul to ask me if i was lying about how many sit-ups i did. i was really proud that day. i don't know what happened to that kind of willpower and singlemindedness but i have the strangest desire to see if my tv could pick up wnds in bar harbor?

*her parents have a case full of the medals she won ice skating and they refuse to take it down.
**the only goal i ever scored in my whole life was on my own team, so i guess i can understand the groaning from my newly acquired adult perspective.
***this was the new england independant station and the only station i received on the tv in my room, it adds appropriately to the sadness of my 12 year old life. i should also mention that this is the summer my mother decided i had an eating disorder because i would only eat toast. i just really liked toast, and i was too lazy to cook anything else for myself during the day. i remember she took me out to lunch at friendly's to get me to eat something and then she wouldn't let me order ice cream because it would make me fat. irony?
****her name is emblazened on my brain. she's the same girl who convinced my 8th grade history team to perform a dance for a class project. THE HORROR!

one pound down, i think

i sneakily weighed myself this morning. one whole day before official weigh-in. that's a significant show of the willpower i've had lately. actually, it read one pound down which really surprises me because this week i've been eating like carbs are the only food group. maybe those were slow acting cookies. or maybe i typed enough to burn all those empty calories. or maybe i should get a digital scale with bigger numbers. there is of course the slimmest* possibility that cutting out the daily can of coke and candy bar makes a difference. who knew?

*shameless pun

Monday, February 27, 2006

i'm so not allowed to bake cookies

the boyfriend, who incidentally weighs 140 lbs fully dressed and soaking wet, decided he was fat this weekend. he has the tiniest brimming of soft flesh over his jeans. and he says he's fat. so after i beat him and buried him in the backyard (digging is a great calorie burner), i baked him some cookies. i chose oatmeal chocolate chip so they'd be a little healthier and i cut down the sugar.* he couldn't tell the difference.**

i had a great cooking weekend besides the cookies. salt roasted salmon (not anyway near the restaurant version, but yummy) and pan roasted veggie quesadillas (wheat tortillas, south beach be damned). the exercise however was not so good. it was cold. and it was windy. i tried to run this morning to keep up the routine, really i tried. the temperature is reading 8 degrees right now(i can't look up the windchill because i won't be able to leave if i know how cold it is and i really have to take my lunch walk), 4 hours after i tried to go for a jog. i picked a point and i pushed myself to it (like i would if i was just tired of running) but i wasn't tired i just didn't want my ears to fall off.

we've been really lucky with the winter until now and therefor have no right to complain. i'm just kindof bummed that i didn't get any exercise this weekend except to run fullspeed from wind cover to wind cover. that's not good enough and i'm afraid i'll jump from the wagon of exercise and land in the well-catered wagon of excuses. damnit i'm worth more than that. and so at lunch time i will walk as far as i can. and when i get home i will ride my butt breaking bike, and i will not eat the rest of the cookies that the boyfriend wouldn't take so he wouldn't get fat.

i'm cooking chicken tacos for dinner, and salad with real strawberries for dessert. i haven't decided which part of the diet i'm still on. i'm cutting the carbs where i know i don't need them, but i had to buy the tortillas because they were on sale and i had a coupon and they were doubling the coupons that week(see previous entry). and the tacos are damned good. they're a little high in sodium but the fat is practically non-existant except for the cheese and they're full of veggies. and the tortillas were on sale, with a double coupon. surely it was an act of god that i eat the tacos. (and then i gave up writing and went back to work because you know you're on a bad path when you equate the divine with double coupons. hey look cookies...)

*made them a healthier version because i know i can't resist cookies, so if i was going to falter let it be a slightly more healthy treat.
**however, i trick him alot with food so he's beginning to be able to tell when i'm pulling something over on him. like the tiramisu(pre-diet), he hates cheese but no one doesn't like tiramisu so i just said it was cream until he admitted he liked it. evil evil woman.

addicted to clipping

this is a cross-post from my other blog, because i really have a twist in my knickers over not getting my mail. i did get mr. todd weeks mail, 3 bills and a solicitation, delivered to my box (the one directly under it) and i must wonder how much of my mail has gone to the weeks' including my shaw's flyer. damn todd, that's my money he's saving!

i was all in a dither friday because i didn't get my shaw's super savings guide. i was checking my mail every hour and not one word on my savings potential. i went home sad and a little angry. i rushed into town on saturday morning to pick it up so i could arrive at shaw's educated and enlightened, but it was all for naught. the post office done me wrong. instead i had to park my cart in the bagged salad section, blocking shopping traffic, to scope out the bargains. a little old lady whisked by me and said "amateur" under her breath, it was humiliating.

i was never into competitive sports in school, but i really think i've found my calling in competitive shopping. or maybe it's more about getting the best deal. i very nearly pulled an ER-esq Eric Lasalle move when i saw the cabot cheeses were on sale. i've been holding a coupon on the cabot cheese ($1 off 3), i knew it was going to go one sale (2 for $4) making my purchase 3 for $5 and therefor beating the damn system. what the hell am i going to do with 3 blocks of cheese, who cares! it was double the savings!!!

i have a lot of coupons like this, and i patiently wait until the product goes on sale. it's becoming my favorite passtime and my only real hobby. there's a well-known trick of writing flattering letters to your favorite manufacturers to get coupons in return. i could do a form letter. the stamps would be minimal considering the money in the bank coupon return. the short of the long on this post, i need a damn intervention. a bargain shopper intervention.

the boyfriend doesn't see a problem with the clipping. i think he sees any attempt at my saving money to be gold stars on my application for wifehood because he believes that one day i'll be saving HIS money. but i consider every penny saved to be a penny i could be spending on chocolate, and that's one hell of a motivator. i have a chocolate fund that's going to need it's own brokerage firm soon. and all because of coupons. but the post office, they're really holding me back. not only do they refuse me my rightful sales bulletin, but i can't get the sunday paper delivered. the sunday paper chock full of coupons. folks with no address can't get the paper, i'd have to go and BUY it every sunday. it all amounts to the man keeping the people down. bastards.

Friday, February 24, 2006

been a slacker today. between the hormones and the stress, i'm finding it difficult to remember the chocolate versus tiny ass argument. today i don't care how big my ass is aslong as i can sit on it and eat chocolate.

it's snowing today so i didn't get to go running this morning. and then i went out to lunch with the boyfriend, so i didn't get to go for a walk (but i probably would have ended up on my arse and slush covered so maybe it's for the best). 'course i could have ordered salad instead of haddock for lunch...but i didn't. and i could have ordered water instead of iced tea, but i didn't. so when i gain twenty pounds (exaggerated so i can feel extra guilty) i'll know exactly why.

focusing on the positive, i've been drinking water all day every day this week. i'll have snow to shovel when i get home, bonafide exercise. i'm cooking steamed salmon and broccolli for dinner, very healthy. oooh, another positive is the cookbook i just ordered from half.com. a julia child for $1.49. i ordered it mostly so i can make croissants (not a fat free food, but they're really hard so it'll be ages till i get around to it) but it has a lot of other great recipes in it. if i just cut the butter from everything it should be fine. and it was $1.49 so there's no real loss. i love cookbooks for the ideas, if not the actual recipes. cooking for me is mostly about inspiration and doing something different.

also, most of cookbooks are vegetarian or from the seventies when the fad was to serve every food group in a gelatin mold. mmm aspic. so a new book is welcome. i'm very excited.

Thursday, February 23, 2006


i normally wouldn't use such coarse language on one of my blogs, but i'm having a genuinely shitty day. i woke up for my run this morning full of positiveness and energy. i got dressed quickly, drank some water, got the headphones and hat on and stepped out the door. and locked it. shit. some background on where i live: i live in maine. Bar Harbor Maine. the winter occupants of Bar Harbor are 4 guys wearing flannel, 12 moose and me. people here don't lock their doors. people leave their cars unlocked and running at the grocery store. well, everyone but me. i'm not from here. where i'm from my mother's car got broken in to repeatedly in our own driveway. i lock my car doors, my apartment doors, any lock i come into contact with is turned to secure. (i should note here that i have locked my keys in the car more times than i can remember. my boyfriend, who incidentally drives a car given to him with 300,000 miles on it, has never had this problem. why, because he had never locked a door in his life...until he met me.)

so, yeah, i slam the door after turning the little locking knob thing and instantaneously i know i have locked myself out of the house.

option #1. use memorized calling card to call boyfriend to come with his key, but wait i don't know his phone number so that choice is really go into scary general store where the counter staff have no teeth (but the food is highly recommended....uhm...no) ask for their phone book, proceed to pay phone and then use hopefully working calling card to call boyfriend and tell him i'm a moron.

option #2. ask upstairs neighbor if he happens to have a key to my apartment. and look like a moron, but in the eyes of a stranger.

option #3. really earn the moron status and attempt to break in through one of the windows.

guess which one i chose? generally i'll chose being a moron all on my own to being a moron in company, so i went to the back of the house (lest the toothless executive chefs next door see how easy it is to break into my house) and choose a window. kitchen or bedroom? i chose the bedroom because the cat was meowing at me from the other side of the glass in the kitchen and i REALLY didn't want an audience. meow.
i got the glass up with no problem, but the screen...well...the screen is dead. i killed it more out of frustration that actual need, but i was at the end of my rapidly fraying rope. it had to be done.

so there were a few moments of glory in my success, until i left for work and realized that the kitchen door had been unlocked all night and thus there was no need for me to kill the screen and risk my security deposit at all. HA. isn't irony funny? HILARIOUS. i might have to kill another screen when i get home. just for the release. ARGH!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

ten pounds down!

i hit ten pounds lost this morning, and i can't believe it. especially after this weekend. i just realized it was a full ten pounds when i started to post. i was just so happy to be under the 188, but now i feel like a true weight loser hitting landmarks in my goal. i've been wondering a bit about my goal weight number. it was rather an arbitrary choice. near what the "official rules of weightiness" say i should weigh, but a bit on the high side for my height range. i think i just decided 150 would be a considerable amount of change and that would be a good start.

i started up my running again this morning. the best part of running in the morning is watching the sunrise over the ocean. it's a very hallmark card-esq kind of life affirming. i feel great about my life when i'm up early doing something i know i should be doing. and i was warm today so that was new. most mornings i'm warm enough, i just wear two sweatshirts over my t-shirt. but today i remembered the on sale workout shirt i bought at target last winter which i hadn't worn yet. damn, was that stupid. it was so warm and light. it's perfect for running, which is ofcourse why i bought it. and so i'm in love with it. i'm also in love with the minimizer bra i bought at lane bryant. i can run and nothing moves. lycra is a wonderful invention.

in other news i'm making wednesday the official weigh-in day. purely for the joy of alliteration. so the schedule will be set and whatever i weigh on wednesday morning will be what i go by for progress reports. how serious and exciting! along with the serious, i need to be more vigilant about planning meals. the first two weeks i used a calendar and planned meals for each lunch and dinner. this week and last i just sort of bought food that might make meals, some day, maybe. it's so stupid. i know i need to eat two decent meals everyday, breakfasts are taken care of, so why don't i buy the right food? frustrating. this week i bought salmon and chicken breasts and i'll probably have to pick up more of something for thursday and friday. or risk leaving myself to cook some of the hoardes of pasta in my house. so, wednesday weigh-ins and meal plans. and no chocolatey celebrations of the first ten pounds lost!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

way off track this weekend. but then my brother's probably getting committed. he's always been...well...not ok. he was diagnosed schizophrenic a couple years ago but since mom died it's been really bad. the voices aren't nice voices and they make him think the neighbors want to kill him and tell him to take all of his pills at once. at least in the hospital he can't hurt himself or take any pre-emptive strikes on the neighbors, but damn am i stressed out. and it made me not remember goals and good choices and things like that. i was back on track for dinner last night and i have a nice healthy lunch today, i'm just a little pissed at myself for the severity of the setback. one piece of birthday cake, acceptable. adding a chocolate croissant and another 1/4 of the second birthday cake could be considered excessive.

i forgot to weigh this morning to see the damage, but while i was home i used my dad's scale and it had me at 203. while i was a ridiculous food whore this weekend, i refuse to believe that i gained 7 pounds over my highest weight. obviously the scale is wrong*. i also didn't get off my arse all weekend, unless you count cleaning out my room and swearing at massachusetts drivers as exercise.

on the upside i'm all ready for my walk at lunchtime and (unless it snows ALOT) for a run/walk tomorrow morning. i felt so good friday about making a stab at the running again, i just have to remember how great i felt afterward tomorrow at 6:30 AM. if it snows alot i guess i'll just shovel for half an hour. it's certainly a sweaty activity if that counts for anything.

*patented trade-make excuse

Thursday, February 16, 2006

it seems you aren't supposed to start running while on a low carb diet. hmmm. i do see their point, but i seriously doubt running for 9 minutes a week while on phase one is going to do me any harm. i've technically only got one more week so the carbs will be increasing as the running does. i've decided not to worry about it.

i've spent the day re-working my favorite recipes into smaller portions. i have this baking addiction. great for the boyfriend, bad for the thighs. the idea is if i bake less and put it all off on the boyfriend to take to work, proportionally less of it will be available for me to scarf.

i also realized that if weather allows the five hour car trip to see my family, i'm going to have to pack some carb free food. my family has this habit of eating pizza whenever we're together. i think it's because my dad is obsessed with feeding everyone something we'll all eat and pizza is the easiest option. everyone eats it including the kids. but i did not start this diet to be beaten by pizza on the first weekend so i'll have to plan ahead. there's always salad. but i have been planning to make my dad a chickpea and spinach dish (sauteed with a little olice oil, a lot of garlic, and topped with a little asiago cheese) for a while and it would work on the diet. i usually top pasta with it, but it's good on it's own too. if i carry no cash it'll be harder to buy traveling junkfood. sadly all those places have stupid credit card machines now, but fortunately i'm too embarrassed to have to charge one bagel that i should arrive unscathed. i'm sure it'll be alright, it's just given me something to be anxiety ridden over and i can't let a chance to be unnecessarily anxious pass me by! good lord.
this morning i started the laziest running program ever. i just love it. pretty much you walk for half an hour, and during that half hour you run three times for a minute. you do that three days a week. and then the next week you run three times for 2 minutes. and on until you're running for a half hour. it's great because it's such a low bar. you feel like well gee, i can run for a minute. there was a lot of huffing and puffing, but i didn't die. and i'm tired as all hell now, but i feel great about it. like if i'm tired, i'm working hard enough.
i had a friend in college who played on two soccer teams at once and would play with stress fractures and pulled muscles and all kinds of athletic torture. i always worried about it, but she loved it. she'd say if it doesn't hurt you're not trying. our friend would call her a tough cookie, and we'd joke we were the weakest cookies. i can say now that i get it just a little. i'm not going to run/walk on a stress fracture, but i feel great that my legs are a little sore. i see it as progress.
i've been worrying that my walking wasn't really enough, i'm sweaty afterwards but not very as i'm at work and i can't be too gross. but i'm too embarrassed to join the Y and the weather is too unpredictable to go biking. i should mention here that i can ride my bike indoors due to a wicked expensive thing i bought to make it possible. but it makes my ass hurt. and there's no one to make me stick with it like in a class. i have this theory that when there's less of me weighing on the tailbone that it'll hurt less. maybe i'll force myself to bike for a half hour if it's too messy to go running. that would be ass-kicking motivation to run in all weather.
i was off the wagon a bit yesterday (had some of the real whipped cream with my no sugar jello dessert), but i'm back on today. the scale i shouldn't be weighing on yet said 188 this morning which makes me feel like it's worth it to keep going. be able to run for half an hour by may is also motivating me. it would be nice to run that much in the mornings before work. i would be happy with running half an hour 5 days a week as an exercise plan. i figure the better i get at it the further i'll be able to go in half an hour. i should stop the imaginary runner's world vision of myself before i get out of control, but it burns a ton of calories and would build strentgh in my legs and lungs and that would be cool.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

so far the south beach thing is going ok. one of my co-workers is thinking about starting with me, as soon as she's done her stash of goldfish. it'll be nice to have some support at work. especially as the god damn main office sent down a huge bag of valentine candy. did they send chocolates when i wasn't on a diet, NOT ONCE. it's evil. those chocolates have no right to look so pretty with the red foil wrappers. i'm trying to convince myself that they're much prettier if you don't eat them, and leave the pretty wrappers on. and then eat some peanuts.
valentine's day was nice, although i cheated like mad. a breadstick and a few squares of potato. and when i have no results i'll know why. the boyfriend brought two dozen pink roses, and extra dozen because he couldn't buy chocolates. maybe next year...but probably not. better to be surrounded by roses than rent out space to store your ass.
i've been arguing with myself alot lately. half of me saying, you're fine the way you are have a cookie and the other half saying you know you can do better. i need to make institutionalized changes. forever. i do not want to end up dieting forever and asking the boyfriend if my ass looks fat in the last mumu on earth that will contain my largess. i really think i need to start leaving post it's like that around the house. i used to have ones that said "floss, or your teeth WILL fall out". i don't floss everyday, but i do feel guilty about it so that's a start, eh?
i did institute a grocery shopping rule. i have to look over the cart and decide whether i really NEED everything that's in it before cashing out. part because the cookies jump right off the shelf and into the cart (true fact) and part because damn, i can't afford to spend all the money on healthy food and the junk food. if i'm shelling out for decent food i need to see results. i work in banking and i'm going to consider it like a loan. if i put the money in, i'd better earn back the principal and interest. or i get liquidized and auctioned off. one pound at a time.

in other rule making news i have added current and goal weights to the right. and we'll have weekly weighings. i might weigh more (pun enjoyed regardless of intention) but i'm only going to count the once a week weighing. and that's what i'll use for progress. not just post bathroom pre-shower naked weighings in the am for the esteem boost. although i do intend to get a hair cut before the next official weighing. ha.

Friday, February 10, 2006

so, i stepped on the scale. 4 lbs lost. i can't believe it. 4lbs lost for doing nothing. it's probably some kind of fluke. but i can't say i'm not happy for it. i suppose when you're doing nothing at all healthy and then you start being a little healthy i guess some change is possible. i never would have noticed it without the scale though. i'm really waiting for a change in the clothes. that'll make the difference to me.
today is physical day. part of me is glad to be a little lighter for that scale, and part of me is waiting to see what a professional medical scale will say. FAT. but really it's ok. i know i'm fat and i know how i got here and now i'm going back. onward and downward.
i've been doing really well with the walks, although i might have to skip it today. no lunch break to make up for the doctor's appt. it's still money that runs my life, not weightloss.
i bought a really cheap* haddock dinner for the two of us last night. i seasoned the fish with lemon juice and a bit of dill and it was really good. if i had made wild rice instead of french fries it would have been a bit healthier. i only took a few of the fries for myself, but i found myself picking at them mercilessly as i put them away. SAD. i've been a bit lax this week, knowing that i'm going full diet next week. starting sunday as long as i get my pills. it's been a little "have those fries, those'll be the last fries you'll have!" which is ridiculous. they won't be the last fries i ever have. probably they should be, but that's not a reasonable expectation. a few fries, and very possibly sweet potato fries for the future, not no fries. i can live with wheat pasta and pumpernickel bread and less candy, but i couldn't make a life with no candy EVER.
man, i think about food alot. i'm also thinking about the calorie counter and how many calories i'm burning when i type. 16 per ten minutes or something. better than naught. i'm obsessed with losing faster, who isn't. but i really don't want to be one of those yo yo people. i want to strike a balance where my clothes fit better but i'm not denying myself everything. i think they call that dragging your ass to the gym.

*cheap i say to remind myself how little it costs to eat well. 3 dollars in fish and it served two with lunch for the boyfriend.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

a house with stairs

i haven't gotten on the scale this week. i'm going to hold off until i start the diet again on saturday. well, i'm going to try. i've been walking for my whole lunch break every day and laying off the sugars.

the boyfriend has been more than happy to help me remember not to eat sugar. not sure how i feel about that. i know he's only doing it to be helpful and not because he thinks i'm too fat. but it still pisses me off. i need to practice not getting upset and eating a family serving of chocolate. fortunately he's been working on the ice cream in the freezer and it's dwindling. why i had so much ice cream in the freezer, i have no idea. i have this tendency to buy it because it's on sale whether i want it or not. i should go back to what i used to do and buy a small tub of haagen dazs when i REALLY want ice cream. it's too expensive to buy alot of and you don't end up with gallons of ice cream in your house.

clearly i'm thinking about sugars too much, writing about ice cream. i'm strengthening my resolve lately. do you want that chocolate or do you want a tiny ass? you choose. that's been helping me remember the impact of my choices. chocolate = fat ass. it's like one of newton's laws.

i've also been moving more. i hesitate to say exercise because what i really do is dance and jive in my living room in the dark. to the sound track of "rythym of the night" or whatever it's called. but i say, if it's making me sweat it's better than sitting around. i've been buying myself cd's of ridiculous dance music to keep myself interested in moving around. it's also great for cleaing the house. which i've looked up and cleaning can burn alot of calories. i find it vaguely pathetic that i can't do some chores without getting warm and breathing hard but if i keep cleaning it's got to get better. and the house will be shiny.

i've been finding myself really excited about moving in with the boyfriend, because his house has stairs. "just think how many calories you'd burn if you had to hot foot it up those stairs and down to get to the pantry?" i'm really excited about that. i'm less excited about his whole family having keys and how i could very easily be naked one time when they arrive. but i'm sure screaming burns calories too.

Monday, February 06, 2006

the family talked me out of the south beach thing, until friday. on friday i start my thyroid pills again, so i won't be too discouraged. so this week i have to eat all the carb filled smart ones that are in my freezer, and use up all the open boxes of pasta. but i'm only eating carbs before three. carb-less dinners all week. it's something oprah does so it must be a good idea right?
tonight i'm doing salmon on a bed of wilted spinach. i feel like these recipes are allvery gourmet magazine. or that section of martha stewart living where the fabulous couple is entertaining in simple but glorious style. without the style.
the weather has been really lovely, so i took a great walk today at lunch. so great my legs are still burning. i'm still feeling too embarrassed to walk in to the Y. i hate this fat phobia. i wish i lived in a bigger place where no one would know me. i know it's stupid. i read this study in highschool about how %90 of the time everyone is thinking about themselves and not you. i know it's true, i don't think about how fat or unfat someone walking into the Y is. i only care about how fat i look walking into the Y. it's pathetic.
i've been thinking so much about the things i never used to allow myself to have, or do. i also did a lot of screwed up stuff because of what i thought others might notice. like if i craved a donut, i would buy a box because i'd want the counter clerk (who must have served 1000 people a day) to think i must be buying for my family. probably i just looked like even more of a pig buying the box. and then i couldn't let them go bad, not when i spent so much money. jesus god, it's pathetic. i'm sure it should be a lifetime movie, but not until there's an intervention or i start sleeping with the teenage boy down the road because he drives the domino's delivery truck. but i digress. it's got to be more healthy to say to yourself "if you really must have the doughnut, for crissakes just buy ONE" and then get over it. and not worry about it. that's just so depressing to think about.
or take today at riteaid. most mornings i pop over and get a drink or a snack. well, not most but atleast once a week. the little russian girl who takes my money does NOT care that i don't buy diet soda, or that i already had a dove bar this week. i have to keep reminding myself that strangers don't care that i exercise or eat chocolate sometimes. but then i remember that round little fat ten year old boy in the checkout line at the supermarket upset about c-1 because they made his favorite drink healthy. that poor kid. what a hard life he has ahead of him. to think any version of a drink that removes rust could be healthy. anyway, i still remember him. i don't want to be remembered as that poor girl from down the street who thinks it's ok to drink that much iced tea.
i think i only just realized with perfect clarity how fat i am. in highschool i was fine and i thought i was grotesque. and a few months ago i thought i was fine but really i'm considered obese. and that's not fine. one of the women i work with worries constantly about her weight, has slimfast for breakfast and lunch. the other orders two desserts to take one home. i've been pulling two many leaves out of one book and not the other, and guess which one? there's something really refreshing about the attitude. not healthy, but refreshing. so many women are constantly worried about what they eat and how they look. i don't want to be like that.
my mother dieted and hated her body (and made me hate mine) her entire life. she died of cancer in the spring, her body withering away as her own cells attacked eachother. the only time she was happy with her weight was because she was too ill to eat. i'd rather be fat than live like that. i need to strike my own balance. somewhat like my previous life when i felt like everyone was watching, except i'm doing it for myself. and i need to get off my ass no matter what anyone thinks.
the boyfriend was a runner in highschool and wants to run with me. i can't bear it. i don't want him to see how pathetic i am. i have so much to work on. he asked me this weekend if he could ride a bike with me this summer and it broke my heart. and still i'm worried if i'll be able to keep up, and it's february. eee gads!

Friday, February 03, 2006

i'm starting my first real diet today. phase one of south beach. i went grocery shopping for it yesterday. it's damn expensive to eat sugar free. two weeks, two weeks. i'm going to weigh myself tonight with the new scale and write it down and not touch it again until next friday.
i bought splenda candy and sweetener and a whole bunch of vegetables. some salmon and some chicken, which i left at the damn store. in bangor. so i know what i'm doing tomorrow. and to the gap to return the size 16 pants i bought for the big interview. i'm hoping i can keep wearing my size fourteen seriously stretched out pants for a while more. and then move to lesser sizes. but i'd hate to fantasize too much about smaller clothes. better to wait and be surprised.
i told the boyfriend last night how pissed i'll be if i have to get new smaller bras. not because i don't want them to be smaller, but because i just laid out a pile of money for the current ones. I'm a mess.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

today i'm trying the carnation instant breakfast thing. i've done it in the past but i never really monitored the situation. it does the job of filling me and keeps me from being hungry until lunch. little does the tummy know that's what it's getting for lunch too! and then i'll try not to screw it up too much when i get home. fortunately i have a broken (broken as in hurts alot) right shoulder and a job interview tomorrow to distract me.
first the back, i don't know what i did to it. it hurts alot and it kept me from going for a walk this morning. it does give me an excuse to skip out of work tomorrow for the interview, but i don't know how relaxed i'll be during the session. the fat related part of the job interview is that i had to go clothes shopping last night. normally i love clothes shopping. i can usually fit into the gap 14, 16 for jeans. i was in 16 dress pants last night, and that's what i bought. i'm keeping the tags on as i am on cycle at the moment but i don't feel so good about the situation. i've really lost control lately as i'm not maintaining my size 14. it makes it really hard to buy clothes off the rack. i ended up with a twinset (because jackets need to be tailored) and some new shoes. and i feel ok about how i'll look.
i don't feel so good about the lost control statement. i never really had rules about my eating, but i used to make very different decisions. i used to limit the number of sugars i could have in my iced tea, i don't anymore. three iced teas at a meal with three packs of sugar. that's a hell of a lot of sugar. so that's golden rule number one from now on. no more than one tea, no more than one sugar. probably to be a proper diet it should be no tea and no sugar and only water, but i'm going to try to make small changes at first. small successes lead to confidence...cliche cliche cliche. but whatever.
i've noticed that alot of my problems stem from greed and a feeling that i deserve something. i stopped at subway for lunch last night. you know how when you order a 6 inch they cut the bread in half right in front of you. i'm always so pleased to get the larger side and pissed off when i get the small one. that is just greed. coming from my gut or something. it's completely irrational. i had another greed attack at the soda fountain. i always put in just a little ice so i'll get more soda. i don't need more soda. i filled that sucker with ice. it turned out to be a mute point because i accidentally took cherry coke instead of regular and i couldn't stand to drink it...maybe that should be the next diet tip choose something you don't even like so you won't drink it.*
in the reverse of that last statement, i cleaned my cupboards of junk food yesterday. my drawer at work had some tiny candy bars in it. ones i don't even like but were on sale or something. i binned them all. and at home in the junk food drawer i binned candy from last halloween. one of the plusses of the junk drawer is that i forget it's there, so i don't eat the stuff. but then it dies there. there were hershey kisses from last valentine's day. i don't even like hershey kisses. i can't remember if i bought them for myself or if they were a gift. another useful lesson is to not buy candy i don't even like. if you're going to indulge you should atleast enjoy it. why waste money and calories on junk chocolate when you could get some quality dark and like it.
enough of the rambling for now. hoping to get a walk in later if the advil makes a dent.

*backfire potential: extreme