those of you from the old days will remember that i've totally used that title before. i'm stealing it from myself. because the meaning resonates on a deeper plane and i like it, and i'm hungry. it's weird because i haven't felt hungry in ages and i'm kind of mad that i'm hungry now. like it's an inposition to feel hunger. weird.
can you tell by my cheery positive outlook that things are going well? i'm maintaining my 178 rather well. mostly i'm not thinking about it that much. except that randomly i know the calorie content of everything in my house. did you know three tiny pickles only have 5 calories? i do. i couldn't believe they were so lo-cal until i remembered THEY'RE CUCUMBERS! but i digress. i also know by heart that a teaspoon of sugar has 15 calories. which makes a cup of tea and three tiny pickles my 20 calorie snack of choice.
it's not that i'm counting calories, it just interests me. like why did i think sugar was the enemy (atkins who?) when a teaspoon only has 15 calories and it's not made of chemicals. so i bought a few bags of the demerera teaspoon sticks and i use one every time i make tea. and it's enough. if i'm caught without a stick handy and i pour what i think is a teaspoon of sugar, it's too much. i don't like the extra sugar anymore. soda is way too sweet. regular cookies, desserts, they're all too sweet for me. everything's changed lately, it's like planet of the body snatchers or something.
i'm kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. the shoe that stops me from feeling full with half portions and buys all the half price halloween candy just because it's there. i don't want to do that ever again. it's pathetic and greedy and i genuinely fear being like that again. i'm not that broke or disturbed that i need a whole bag of snickers at $1.50 to eat by myself.
all that stuff is a bore isn't it. calories this. binge potential that. somehow in the last two weeks i've been able to tune out from all of it. i'm really happy that i can have success (blech, that word makes me feel like an oprah clone) without regimenting my life interminably. i have great respect for regimenting and scheduling and planning and the people who do it and have success with it. i've had success with it. the idea that i can't contain myself without an arms list of rules makes me feel like a failure above and beyond what it does for my body. i can't live like that forever. i wouldn't want to. i hope i won't have to. i have everything crossed for that hope.