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10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

186

ouch! to be expected. is that self defeat? no, more realism. just like my comment on being a size 8. at my skinniest i was a 10. maybe if i was anorexic i could pull off an 8, but that's no goal of mine.* i don't want to focus on a number, but i know i don't have the bone structure to be a size eight. that's the shittiest part of the patriarchal message about weight and size, size 8, 120 pounds is not the same for everyone.

case in point, my boyfriend's boss is going through this terrible divorce. she's doing her cougar thing and he has been a faithful dog taking her shit for 20 years. they keep talking about the kind of woman the boss should be dating. he wants a 5"10 120 pound model type woman. it makes me want to shout that line about the spoon from the matrix. what he wants does not exist in this reality. i give him a break because he's really a very nice man who has been fucked up, down and sideways in his marriage. i know that in his reality, when he is ready, his priority will be a woman who won't cheat on him for ten years...but the dream woman in his head bothers me.

why does every man want a 120 pound woman? the fatty mcblogsters talked about this a while ago, men want to see that number on a profile with no corroborating factors to interfere. is she a 120 pound midget? a 120 pound one legged woman? the 120 pound model in a victoria's secret push-up bra because she has no tits of her own? i think i'd prefer them to say "i want a woman with big tits, a flat stomach, thighs you can see light through". the 120 pounds is so arbitrary. it reminds me of the dear abby letters with the boyfriends who say "you'd be perfect if you lost 15 pounds". 15 pounds to me is hardly a dress size. how does a man know what 15 pounds lost or gained will look like on a woman's body. it's not about reality, it's about being manipulated into a mold. the only real difference is the degree of self loathing you reach trying to fit it.

it's all arbitrary. one woman's 15 pounds is not the same as another's, anymore than one woman's size 8 is. it's just a number on a tag that no one sees anyway. with as little hypocrisy as i can manage, i admit that i want to drop some sizes. 12 has a nice ring to it. but i hate myself for focusing on that, for focusing on the number of pounds i've lost or gained. and yet every day my title is a number. i let it run me, shit...i let it run my blog. i am chock full of hypocrisy and self doubt and ideas about being too fat. i'm shit scared of losing weight and facing all the changes it will mean to me and yet i crave it enough to sit down every day and write about wanting to be ten pounds** lighter.

D once said i was an inspiration because i don't complain about not losing. i'm too busy driving myself slowly mad thinking about it. thinking about how maybe i don't really want to lose, maybe i'm just some masochist who wants to feign trying so atleast i won't be one of those fat girls who has just let herself go.*** i'm losing a little because i'm exercising and i like it enough to do it every day, and to keep doing it for all these months. i can't help thinking every minute that i'm not doing enough. every time i take a cookie from a tray or bring an extra coke with me to work. it's only logic to think that if i skipped that i would have lost a lot more weight by now. and possibly my will to live.

i think it would be fair to say i'm being a little dramatic today. aren't we all entitled at one point or another. i honestly don't know what's harder...turning away from food or accepting myself as i am. can you be accepting of yourself while actively trying to change? see what i mean about driving myself mad?




*but man, a tape worm would be great. just for a little while.
**20 pounds lighter, one pound lighter. same difference.
***another gift of the patriarchy.

7 comments:

duenneschen said...

I always look forward to your posts. Not only are they very real and relatable but also funny.

I've been sitting here for most of the morning trying to think of something witty or thought provoking to write as a response but I can't. Maybe I should look into taking a creative writing class?! ;)

Much applause...another wonderful post!

snackiepoo said...

Awesome post!

I don't know what it is with men and this whole perfect size and height measurements...I love it when they add in that they specifically have to either be blonde or brunette.

A good story - my husband and three of his friends are all sweet and cute men who have wives/gfs that are plus sized and say that not only do they not care about their S.O.'s pants size (nor even know it) but also find them beautiful just the way they are...thanks Bridget Jones.

A bad story - a friend of my husband's asked me to set him up with someone who was bubbly and fun...so I chose one of my WW pals, who by the way, is only like 25 away from goal. He basically told me that it was not his type and when I asked what his type was, he said "jennifer love spewitt". I asked if it was because he liked dark hair and dark eyes and he said "yeah, that and a skinny girl with a nice rack"

Oy vey.

Amy said...

thank god you guys commented, i was beginning to think it was a bit too off the deep end even for me. y'all are awesome.

and also, we should have some kind of fat blogher of our own. bloglard maybe.

John said...

This former fatboy would like to point out that I have had my share of women to whom my body type was not desired. It does go both ways. Just a friendly reminder. :-)

SLEM said...

Amy...I went back and reread my comment and I'm sorry it came off like I was critizing you..I never thought you were self defeating yourself...about the size 8 comment...I just know from my experience the smallest I have ever been was a size 12...and the last time I lost weight and weighed 170 I was in a size 16, this time for some strange reason I'm in a size 10...you could never have told me I would ever be in this size a couple of years ago..I convinced my bones were bigger than that...and it is hard not to focus on the numbers because they are out there and it's what we are judged by mostly.
I soo agree with you about some guys and wanting skinny women...what's with that? but I'm finding there are more & more guys out there that like women with a little "meat" on their bones...sounds like you are lucky to have found one of those...
I think you are doing so good and I love your blog...Keep up the good work.
Sue

Amy said...

oh, dear slem, i didn't intend for that to be for you in particular. i was just thinking that numbers are funny. i've seen people that look half my size pick up and try one the same size clothes, it's all in your shape. my sister who is by rights fatter than i, wears 10's and i wear 14's. she has a tiny little frame. it's all in the context.

PastaQueen said...

Can you be accepting of yourself while actively trying to change?

This is something I've been thinking about lately and I think the answer is yes. After all, you can be accepting without being completely satisfied. I think if you ever become completely satisfied with everything in life, things would get kind of dull because what would you do next? We need goals and things to look forward to or else we may as well just shrivel up and die because what's the point?