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10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Monday, May 15, 2006

184

i'm quite happy with that number as i'm full of hormones. and cramps. because i've been a pilates slacker. i don't even have a genuine excuse. i liked pilates. the only excuse i have is that in order to make room to do pilates i have to deal with the drying rack in the middle of my living room. is that lame or what? i've just been washing and drying and picking the dry clothes off to wear. i don't have words for how pathetic that is.

i did have a bit of a wardrobe triumph this weekend. the exercise pants i bought are now officially too large. they fall off my ass as i run. it's that bad. i'm really pissed that i did't get the mediums. i didn't get them because i couldn't believe that medium would ever describe my body. while they did actually fit, they were a little clingy. and they showed me a reality of bumps and bulges and curves that i'm not ready to look at. the large doesn't show me curves, it shows my ass to passersby as i run. my crazy body issues are now affecting my shopping.

the boyfriend thought this was great news. that my clothes are getting too big for me. and he's right. i should be happy that my clothes are getting too big. i should be glad that my school ring fits perfectly today while in months past i've struggled with putting it on. i'm a little unnerved by it all. i don't think i ever believed that i would actually lose any weight. i assumed i would dabble with exercise and write about feeling fat on the internet and then give up and buy some stock in a twinkies plant. but i haven't given up yet and i am seeing changes. nothing drastic, but things i can live with. forever changes.

i can't say i don't ever daydream about home liposuction. it's just so tempting sometimes. i have knives, i have a vacuum. an over active imagination. but those urges are few. i don't really think about losing faster. everyone wants to get skinny quick. now isn't soon enough. it's as much an illusion as getting rich quick. only there's no nigerian widow who wants to cheat me out of my fat. it's one of life's fallacies that being skinny and rich will make you happy. like buying an SUV will make you powerful, and fearless and cool. we're as much being sold an illusion of being skinny and happy as we are dish soap and sugared cereal or a new car. i refuse to buy that i can't be sexy or happy until i lose more weight. i refuse to accept that i'm wasting my life being fat, biding time in a corner until i'm a size 8. i'm never going to be a size 8, but that's no big deal. it's the minutes that i sit on my couch and feel sorry for myself that i should regret. damn it.*

*for effect.

7 comments:

duenneschen said...

i cant wait for the day for my pants to fall off my a$$!!!

i think it's great that you don't think of losing faster..i think if i didn't think like that, it would be a much more enjoyable process..

not quite sure if you read Domino, a home mag, however they featured this 'supposedly' fab restaurant in Maine called Primo. Ever heard of it? Eaten there? Thought of you when I saw the article..haven't read it yet...

Amy said...

i googled it. it's in rockland, it's about 2 hours away. i've never eaten there. it looks like the cost would be more than i earn in a day. the house is pretty though. it's near where john travolta's island is.

duenneschen said...

he owns an island!? holy shit?! thats crazy...

hhmm..i own an iPod...does that count as something cool?!

Amy said...

actually, lots of people own islands here. not locals, people from new york who can afford the taxes.

SLEM said...

Amy..LOL...I daydream about home tummy tucks...
I NEVER thought I could be in a size 10...my goal was a size 16 and here I am..so don't under estimate yourself girl..you are still young (not like the old lady that I am) and have lots of time to get to a size 8 if that's what you really want.. and you are sooo right...there is nothing to stop you from being sexy & happy right now (just ask your boyfreind)...
Keep running even if you have to hold up your pants to keep them from falling off...tooo funny...
Go Girl
Sue

duenneschen said...

how big are these islands? and what in the hell do they have on them? just houses or what?

man...i'm jealous...

Amy said...

they vary. don't be jealous though, it's not tropical paradise we're talking here. most of them don't have power and you'd have to be a a great boat driver. i'm sure the travoltas have electricity but it's a tenuous thing. cables running through the ocean. i guess it would have whatever you built on it. some would have old homesteads. there are 15 populated islands left with no bridges and year round populations, down from somewhere in the hundreds at one time or another. it was a mess when the swan island grocery store burned down, it was the middle of the winter and a lot of the old folks can't ferry in for groceries. they'd have starved if folks from my island hadn't brought food. and the kids have to ferry in to school everyday. it's not an easy life.