i posted earlier about my weekend and it's suckiness. blogger was down so it didn't publish. it was maybe a little bitter and i'm feeling better now, so to hell with it. it wasn't actually fat related at all. it was even more humiliating, it was about money. and the enormous debt i carry and have carried (transfering from zero interest to zero interest) for a few years. it's very simple. when my mom got sick i was just making ends meet. if i'd started selling my plasma i'd have felt rich.
when she got sick i had to come home and visit alot. i mean i wanted to, but i didn't really have a choice either. without actually checking the statements (i've cried enough today) i'd estimate i spent 60-75 dollars a weekend to go home. multiplied by four weekends in a month. by twelve months a year. it equals a whole lot of debt and also self loathing.
it caused alot of stress while my mom was still alive and i talked briefly about it with my father. he said "well, you need a better job or you'll have to move home". neither of those were really options, above and beyond the fact that no one gets to tell me what to do anymore. changing jobs, moving house and building a new support structure are not things you do when your mom is dying. unless you take alot of drugs. so i wasn't going to move for a job and i definitely wasn't going to move home to live with a control freak, a crazy cancer patient and a schizophrenic alcoholic. so i took on the debt. i've probably mentioned this whole drama a thousand times, but as it's the bain of my existence it comes up alot.
so, yeah. it all sucked and i got fat and i got into bad debt and i spent alot of nights listening to the smiths and crying and talking to my cat. it was pathetic on all fronts. but it's been a year now and things are very different. my debt will be gone by 2007 and i'm ten pounds closer to a "healthy" weight. i'm at peace with this 99.99% of the time. and then my sister asks me why i'm on a budget. and i foolishly tell her. i didn't tell her how much debt i have, i don't believe that it's any of her business. she seems to think that i'm in desperate need of help (it's a little late) and is planning to talk to my father about it all.
she kept saying "dad can give you ten thousand tax free". does than mean she's received tons of money from them? i've never asked for money but i always get the "you need a better job" or some such speech if i say i can't afford something. and then she really pissed me off by saying netflix is a luxury i can't afford. the woman has digital cable, internet and gets her hair professionally colored. a measured and carefully planned $20 a month expense is too much of a luxury but you expect me to come twice a month at 7 times the cost. unfortunately i didn't get to tell her to fuck off because we were surrounded by babies.
i'm certainly growing more incoherent but i do feel better. i'll be damned if i'm going to let them shame me now that i'm almost free and i did it all on my own.