tuesday afternoon dread

tomorrow is my weigh in day and i'm a little nervous. there can't possibly be any downward movement, what with all the slacking. i had spent most of the last week dreading a speech i had to give this morning for a work course. because i hate public speaking, i've been giving myself permission to eat. "you're going to embarrass yourself, have that cookie." now i can say "you embarrassed yourself this morning, have a cookie." if i don't get over this social anxiety i'm going to weigh 700 pounds.

it's been particularly ridiculous lately because there are some guys working around my building in the mornings when i usually go for a jog. i have this painfully stupid issue with people seeing me exercise. add to that the painful issue of people seeing me fat and it's quite the rock and hardplace problem. i have to get over both of them so i can go out in the mornings and get running.

i have decided on a new goal to work toward. the boyfriend and i are going on vacation at the end of may. my new goal is to put forth a steady effort of exercise and careful eating to lose the most reasonable amount. my reward will be the new tattoo i've wanted but have felt too fat to show off so have stalled in getting it.* so if i'm a good girl and i get a routine going before the end of may, i can get the new tattoo while we're in maryland.

is it ridiculous that i'm bribing myself? i'm kind of torn about it. being healthy should be it's own reward, but i can't say i'd be all worried about being healthy if i was 20 pounds lighter. i want to be able to show off the new tattoo, to feel comfortable doing that i need to lose some weight. i don't think this makes any sense but i just feel really weird about rewarding myself for taking better care of my body. but i didn't feel too weird about soothing my embarrassment with cookies so probably i should just get over myself and stop whining. i can't be the only person driving themself slowly mad can i?




*all of my current tattoos are on my feet, at 18 i felt these were the least likely to get fat and/or wrinkly. i guess i don't care that much anymore because i want this one on my back.